MILDURA - JIMMY HARGRAVES

    A decision had to be made, according to the situation. I have found out, in my life, that mans' belief in the word 'choice' is total fantasy. Whatever we are not aware of, chooses for us and each situation in life demands a correct response. When the response is correct, the problems surrounding the situation disappear. An incorrect response seems to create further problems. 

My response to the lack of rain was a decision to ride my Honda 90 back down to Mildura cause at least there was some work there, even if it was difficult and not a lot of money involved.

     Before I set off, I ran into a mate, Jimmy Hargraves, in the main street. Jimmy was a great bloke. He had a heart of gold. Nothing was too much trouble to do for a friend. Jimmy was 5'9", weighed 160 pounds and had very pleasant features.

"G'day Yorky, how ya goin' mate?",  he said as I approached him.
"Not too bad, apart from being knackered!"
"How was the grape-pickin' trip with John Towers?", he asked.
"I suppose it wasn't too bad mate. At least it was work."

     Jimmy asked me all the details of grape picking and after I'd finished telling him,  I said
"I'm gonna' ride back down there tomorrow 'cause there's bugger all work in the Lake."
"Yeah, I know what ya mean mate. I haven't worked for the past month."
     Just then, I had a bright idea. "Why don't ya come with me to Mildura ?"
"How am I gonna git there?"
"On the back of the bike mate."
"I can fart faster than that bike of yours can go Yorky!"
"Jeesuz mate, no need to insult mi bike. It does 55 flat out.", I said jokingly.
"How fast will it go with 2 on board?", he asked?
"Probably 45.", I said.

     We stood in the street for a long time discussing wether or not he would come with me. Jimmy had a hard time making up his mind. Eventually, he said, "I'll toss a coin, heads I go, tails I stay."

     He flicked the coin high in the air and it came down heads.
"Git ya gear ready sport. You're off on a long ride.", I said.
"Hang on mate, best out-a 3!"
     Each time he flicked the coin, it came down heads. The unanimous decision to come with me was settled.
"Let's set off tonight.", I said. "It will save me a few bucks on rent."
"What time ya wanna go mate?"
"Six O'clock, that sound alright?"
"How we gonna carry our work clothes?"
"Have ya got a backpack?"
"I've got one somewhere in the caravan but I'll have to find it."
"Ok, when you find it, pack up some clothes and leave some space for mine. I'll meet ya a Gliltraps at 6. I'll go and pick up mi bike now.", I said.

     Finally, after a lot of humming and hawing, he'd made his decision so I picked up mi bike from a friends' garage. I filled up the tank and checked the oil and after that I gave it a bit of a hose down at the garage and then rode back to Giltraps for a bit of a rest.

     Jimmy knocked on my door around 6.  I packed some work gear and a good shirt and strides into the backpack. We were now ready to roll!

     Outside of Giltraps I started the bike. She went first kick. "Alright, hop on Jim.", I said.  Once he was seated and comfortable, I kicked the gear-lever into first and we tore off up the main drag of the Lake and onto the Rankin Springs dirt road.

 Although mi bike had a double seat, it was not too comfortable with 2 people on it plus a large backpack. The shock-absorbers bottomed out as we rode across the large pot holes.
"It'll be more comfortable when we get back on the bitchuman Jim.", I called out over mi shoulder.
"I fuckin' hope so mate.", he shouted in mi ear. "My arse is aching already and we've only been going for half an hour."

     The tar seal started at Rankin Springs and it was a welcome sight indeed, especially for  Jim, who was not used to riding bikes.  We rode all through the long night and the further we rode the slower mi poor bike wanted to go. Eventually, after about 10 hours, oil started to drip out of the engine. A head-gasket had blown from the constant speed and the excessive weight it was carrying.

     Between the two of us, we didn't have much money so it was impossible to repair the bike. I made the decision to trade it in at one of the garages on the way. At the third garage, the salesman offered me an old Austin A55 Sedan.  There was not much option left but to trade her. Although I felt quite sad to see her being wheeled away, the thought of having a car made up for it.  

Once the deal was finalized, we filled the tank and set off up the road again. We stopped a couple of miles from the garage to buy some toasted sandwiches. I made use of the time by checking the car over. The oil in the engine was really low so I bought a gallon can and filled her up to the full mark.

     When Jim came out of the cafe with our Sarnies he said, "I forgot to tell ya mate, I haven't got a license."
"What! Neither have I. What if the cops stop us? We'll get done! Maybe we should travel at night? It'll be a bit safer that way."
"Don't worry Yorky, she'll be right mate. No one's gonna stop us."
"Alright mate, if you say so.", I said.

     We ate sandwiches as we drove. After fifty miles the oil light came on.
"I thought ya filled her up with oil Yorky?", said Jim in surprise.
"I did mate. I put a whole fucking gallon in."
"Jeezus Christ mate! We'd better stop and check it. Maybe the oil light is faulty?"
"I fuckin' hope so mate, 'cause if not that means the engine is fucked in this too!"

      I lifted the bonnet. It was not a pretty sight and when I checked the dip stick there was no oil on it. "Fuckin' hell mate, not a drop! That means she's used a gallon of oil in 50 miles."

     Luckily we found a quart bottle of oil in the boot. I poured that in and we set off at a slow pace. Once we reached the next petrol station I bought some more oil. We decided to drive a bit slower now 'cause money was a big concern. We'd only been going for another hour or so when the sun went down.

I said to Jim, "She'll probably run better in the cool weather."
     No sooner had I said that,  a cop car flew past us going in the opposite direction.
"That was lucky, Jim. He's going the opposite way."
"Stop thinkin' about it mate, there's no way we'll get caught!"

     Before he got the last word out of his mouth we heard the cop siren.
"Fuckin' shit!", said Jim. "There's a cop car coming up fast behind us. He must be in an awful hurry to catch someone."
     As he drew level with us, he waved me over to the side of the road.
"Oh Fuck!", I said. "Now we're in the shit mate! I told ya we'd have been better off driving at night."
"Sorry mate, you were right and I was wrong."

     When I stopped the car, the cop got out of his and casually sauntered over to the drivers' side.
"G'day fellas.", he said. "Can I see ya license?"
"No.", I said.
"What d'ya mean NO?"
"Ya can't see it cause I haven't got one.", I said.
"Oh.", he said. "What about ya mate?"
"No luck there either.", I said
"Alright, show us ya rego papers."
"No luck there either."
"Pink slip?", he asked, in a hopeful manner
"Not even a pink slip officer."
"Well fellas', I'd say you're in the shit, right up to ya ears. What d'ya reckon?"
"If you say so Officer, that's unless you're gonna let us go.", I said.
"Can't do that fellas. You'd better follow me."

     Easier said than done. He got in his car and took off like a bat out-a-hell. It took me all my time to see him, never mind follow him. The cop pulled up outside the station. He had to wait at least 5 minutes for us to arrive.
"Shall I turn her off?", I asked.
"I think you'd better cause ya won't be needin' it for a long time.", he said.

     We spent at least 4 hours at the cop station. The big Sergeant interrogated us both, in separate rooms. After he was satisfied with our stories, he put us both in the same room again.
"What's gonna happen now?', I asked him.
"I'm gonna lock ya up till Monday morning and then ya can go up before the Judge at the local court house."

      As soon as Jim heard this, his eyes teared up a bit and he said it was all his fault. The Sergeant seemed to get a bit upset himself now.
"He said, "What's the name of the local Sarg at Lake Cargelligo?"
"Sergeant Montgomery.", I said.
    The Sergeant called up the Lake cop shop and asked old Monty for a character reference for us.

After he'd spoken to him, he put the phone down and said,
"It seems like you two fellas' are pretty good blokes. The sergeant at the Lake gave you both first-class references, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna' let you both off this time but I'm gonna have to impound that old piece of shit you call a car. Come on, let's go see the local garage owner and find out how much it will cost to make it road-worthy."

     After half an hours inspection the mechanic came up with the verdict.
"150 bucks! That should do it but that's not counting the engine. If you ask me, it's just about rooted."
     The sergeant made me sign a paper authorizing the repairs and then he told me to come back in a week and pick it up.
"Oh yeah.", he said. "And be prepared to sit for ya license. Here's a book for ya to study in ya spare time. Now git outa' here before I change mi mind."

     When we got outside, all Jim could say was, "I'm sorry mate. I should have listened to you. We would have been almost there by now."
"No worries mate. We'd better concentrate on hitchin' a ride now cause we've still got a hundred miles to go."

     It took us about an hour to pick up a ride. The bloke dropped us right at the farmers' gate where I previously worked. After Jimmy and I had signed on, we went over to the bunk house and made up a couple of beds. After relating the story to a few of the blokes I'd worked with the week before, we turned out the lights and took a good nights' rest.

     The following day, I introduced Jim to the joys of grape picking.  He was not too keen on it and before the day was out he was ready to go back home.

     Jim and me worked for 3 weeks picking grapes. At the end of that time we still didn't have enough money to pick up the car so the farmer, who I got on with real well, offered to loan me 80 bucks so I could at least bring the car down to the farm.

 By the time the grapes were all picked, I still owed the farmer 50 bucks.

     There was no more work to do. I promised him I'd send the money as soon as possible. I even signed an IOU so he'd feel a bit safer about it. Once everything was in order and our gear was packed up, we loaded it into the old bomb.

     I set off for Lake Cargelligo, only this time I had mi first car license in mi back pocket. Fortunately, the old A55 made the trip. It was a toss-up what it used most of, oil or petrol. 

As we neared Lake Cargelligo, the dirt roads started to get a bit wetter. Once back at Giltraps we found out that there had been a couple of inches of rain a few days previously.

     That same evening that we arrived back, Sergeant Montgomery came in to Giltraps for a beer on his night off.
"G'day Sergeant.", I said, remembering the glowing reference he'd given us, which by all accounts, kept us out of jail.
"G'day Yorky.", he said with a slight grin. "How was the grape-picking trip mate?"
"I don't have to tell you Sergeant, I think you already know."

STRANGLING THE KANGAROO

“Ya ever had a root Yorky?”, said Kevin.
"Nah  mate, I’m only 15. I doubt whether I'd git one in a brothel with a walletful of money."
     We had a good laugh at this one.
"You'll have to come into town and stay at my place one night Yorky. I'll take ya down the main street after dark and introduce ya to the town bike."
"What's a town bike?"
"Not what mate, who? is more like it."
"OK, then who?"
"Who, is a young sheila that loves it. She's called the town bike because everybody rides her, Yorky. Don't ya git it mate?"
"I do now." I said. "But, I think I'll stick to walking until I git a ute."
"Yeh, that'll git ya a sheila, mate." he said with a smile.

"What's the matter?" said Kevin as I scratched away at my shoulders and the back of my neck.
"The wheat dust is making my skin itchy, mate."
"Yeh, you'll get itchy for the first couple of days, then after that you'll git used to it, mate. Wait till we start strippin' the oats and barley. They're much worse than wheat mate."
"How long does it take to git used to that, Kevin?"
"Oh, once you've scratched all ya' skin off Yorky, you won't notice it anymore." he said with a grin.

Our days passed very much like that for about 8 weeks. One night as we were driving home, Digger said to me, "Grab the rifle off the back window will ya Yorky mate."
"No problem, mate." I said as I turned around to get it.
"There's a box of 22's in the glove box," said Kevin. "Fill the mag up will ya?"
"What ya gonna shoot?
"We need a couple of roo's for dog tucker. Diggers' got five dogs and I've got six of the bastards plus the old man has a couple. Two roos don't last very long between a dozen or so dogs. There's some scrub country up the back of Diggers' place so we'll swing by there on our way home. We'll get two or three quite easy 'cause it's right on dusk now."

"There's a small mob." said Digger, as we drove along side one of his fences.
"Jump in the back with the gun, Digger. Once you've shot one we'll chase 'em down the fence line. If we're lucky you'll git one on the hop!"
Digger very quietly opened the door and climbed in the back of the Ute with Kevin's' 5-shot Bruno 22.
      BANG! A half-grown roo fell over on its' side and the others took off at top speed.
"Hang on Digger!" yelled Kevin as we bounced over the rough dirt track.
"Wait till we git a bit closer, sport. OK Digger, let 'em have it!"
     Digger fired 2 shots and a big roo hit the dust. Two more shots rang out, but the roos kept hopping.

"Ah, ya useless fucking bastard!" yelled Kevin out the window. "Ya only got one of 'em."
Diggers rough head came into view upside-down in Kevins' side window and said, "You fuckin' try hittin' 'em with a pea rifle off the back of a Ute with no crate on it if ya so fuckin' good Kevin. It's not as fuckin' easy as it looks, mate. Anyway, it took me all mi time to hang on. I almost fell out!"
"Ah ya fuckin' useless Digger", yelled Kevin. "Too much fuckin' wankin' is your problem, mate."
"Well it's cheaper than looking after a fuckin' wife in town, Kevin."

     At first I used to think that they were fair dinkum when they spoke to each other this way but after a while I came to realize that it was all designed to entertain me and entertain me they did.
The Ute pulled up alongside where the roo was now balanced on one leg and his tail and from looks of him he was not in a very good mood.

"He looks a bit cranky." said Kevin, as we got out of the cab.
"He's got a broken leg, that's why." I said.
"They're pretty tough bastards." said Digger, who was sitting on the edge of the back of the Ute.
"They sure are Digger." I said.
"You think you're as tough as a roo, Yorky?" said Digger.
"What d'ya mean Digger?"
"Well, for instance, it would be a bit of a shame to waste another good bullet on him, wouldn't it? "
"I suppose so." I said in my naiveté, not knowing I was in the process of being set up.
"Ya could strangle him, Digger." I said, which was exactly what he'd wanted me to say and I'd taken the bait, hook, line and sinker!
"Yeh, I probably could mate, but I'll bet mi boots a pommy bastard like you wouldn't be able to strangle him."
     There was no way out of the challenge now 'cause I was in too deep, so my next line had to be "How much ya wanna bet, Digger?"
"How much ya make a week, Yorky?"
"10 quid. Why?"
"I'll bet ya half a weeks wages."
"You're on Digger." I said as I offered him my handshake.
"Ya words good enough for me, Yorky." he said with a big smile.

"Jesus Christ!" said Kevin. "This'll be a bit of fun. The pommy versus the roo, to the death!"
     'Oh shit!' I thought, you let them con you Yorky, now you'll have to go through with it or they'll take the piss out of ya for weeks on end. They'll say that you're a gutless pommy bastard. You'll never hear the end of it.
"Whenever you're ready Yorky." said Digger. "Take ya time mate. He's got a real strong tail. Look how he's sittin' up there mate!"

     I turned to face the roo, who was now growling and raring to go. As I moved towards him he moved around a bit so he was still facing me, so I moved back around the other way. As soon as I made my move the roo made his, so he was still facing me. I thought, 'I may be able to run around the back side of him', but he saw what I was up to and hopped around on his one good leg and thick strong, sinewy tail to face me again.

"Ya not makin' much headway with him Yorky." said Kevin.
"I think the Pommy bastard's scared of him." said Digger.
"If I go at him face on, Digger, he'll kick mi guts out mate!"
"Yeh, he most likely will Yorky." said Digger, who was now chewing on a piece of wheat stalk.
"Tell ya what I'll do for ya Yorky." said Kevin, with a smile. "I'll distract him with a branch and you sneak around the back of him and when he's not looking at ya, run in and grab him mate!"
"OK!" I said, glad for some help. "Go grab a big stick."

     Kevin moved over to the side of the fence and picked up a large stick with some eucalyptus leaves on the end of it.
"Alright Yorky!" he said with a big smile. "Git ready mate!"

     Kevin walked in front of the roo and shook the stick in the roos face and as the roo turned to face him, I made the best of my opportunity. Running towards the roo, I grabbed him by the throat with mi bare hands. This really pissed him off. As I started to squeeze, he put his hands up to my hands that were wrapped tightly around his neck and started to claw at them, so I squeezed his neck much harder now. He fell over backwards on top of me, which knocked me to the ground, but by this time we were both fighting for our lives.

     As we rolled around on the ground the roos one good back leg kept coming in, up and down with great force as his large razor sharp toenail cut through the air trying to connect with some solid pommy skin. The red dust was flying quite thick now as we rolled around in the dirt. The roos' large, thick tail was thumping the ground as he tried to get his balance back so he could regain his one good leg. We were so close together now that we could smell each other and he sure didn't like the smell of white, pommy, Palmolive-flavored skin, so he kicked as hard as he could while at the same time trying to twist his body so he was facing me.

     I could hear Digger and Kevin laughing their heads off as Digger said, "Look out Yorky, If he gets turned around to face ya, ya fucked mate! I'll never collect mi five quid!" he roared with laughter.

"Fuck you Digger!" I screamed. "And fuck ya five quid mate. This bastard is a bloody strong roo, even with one leg!"

"Hang on to him, Yorky baby." roared Kevin from the sideline. "I think ya making a bit of progress with him, mate. Try squeezin' a bit harder Yorky!"

     I could feel the vibration in the roos' voice box as he growled and growled. I was squeezing as hard as I could but it was not making much of an impression on him as we still rolled around in the Aussie dirt. He tried to regain his foot and rolled over on his other side, taking me with him as I tried to get a foothold in the dust with mi work boot.

"I think ya gettin' one up on him, Yorky!" roared Kevin amidst a big belly laugh. "His eyes are starting to bulge a little bit."
"I can't squeeze any harder!”, I yelled to Kevin as we rolled around again.
"If he turns around to face ya Yorky, give him a big kiss. That'll confuse him mate, but be careful he doesn't bite ya lip."
"And look out for his breath!" added Kevin. "It probably stinks. It doesn't look like he's cleaned his teeth for a while, mate!"
"Give us a fucking hand, Kevin!" I yelled. "I'm stuck with him. I can't kill him and I can't let him go!"
"Ya goin' great Yorky." yelled Digger. "I'm getting mi 5 quid out now so I can pay ya mate, as soon as he's dead."

     The roo was in no worse shape now than before I started. His sinewy neck was as strong as hard-core rubber under the gray and brown fur. The more and longer I squeezed, the more it seemed to piss him off. I felt like he knew I'd lost before I started and all I could do now was to hang on to his neck so he couldn't turn around and kick me to death.

     As I eventually regained my feet, I yelled to Kevin,
"Bait him with the stick mate, I'm gonna try to let him go!"
"Nah mate.", he said. "Hang onto him Yorky. You're doin' great cobber!"
"Fuck you Kevin! You take over if ya want but I'm lettin’ him go right now mate, so grab the stick!"

     I let go of the grip I'd had on the roos' throat and as I opened mi hands he shot forwards and regained his feet. I shot backwards as fast as I could go without losing mi footing. The roo had turned around again as he'd gone forward so now we stood face to face with each other at a distance of about 8 feet.
     As we both stood there, breathing hard and gasping for breath, Digger said, "I think you've just about got him fucked Yorky. Dive on him again mate and give him another good dose. Show him what you're made of Yorky!"
"Fuck you Digger!", I said, between gasps. "He's too good for me mate."

     Digger was now sat on a can in the back of the Ute still laughing away to himself as Kevin shot the roo and stuck him in the back of the Ute with the other one.

"Alright.” said Kevin. "Let's go. It'll be ten O'clock before I get home at this rate. The missus will be wonderin' where I got to."

     When we got back to the homestead we threw the 2 roos into the dog pen and Kevin opened 'em up with a sharp pocketknife so as to make it easier for them to get at the meat. When we walked away the Kelpies were all fighting to maintain their positions in the pack and some of them were fighting to move up a position so they could eat before the rest of 'em.
"Look at the bastards!" said Kevin. "They won't work for a bloody week after a feed like that."
"Yeah." said Digger. "It's just as well we won't be needing' 'em for a while."

     That evening, after a good shower, Digger related the story of how Yorky had tried to strangle a roo on the way home. Dick Skipworth had a good laugh between mouthfuls of cold mutton and Nellie said to me, "Be careful of those two boys of mine, Yorky, they'll kid ya up a tree and chop it down it ya let 'em."
"I can see that, Mrs. Skipworth. I'll watch out for 'em from now on. I owe Digger 5 quid."
     Digger started to laugh and after he'd finished he said, "I'm cancelin' the bet, Yorky. That's the best 5 quids worth of entertainment I've ever had in mi life, mate."

PATCHES IN STORY FORM

     That day we all busied ourselves milking cows, driving tractors, cleaning the place up and whatever jobs one generally does around a farm.
     In the afternoon Defoe said to us boys,
"Can any of you lot ride a horse?"
     A couple of the boys raised their hands.
     Defoe said to them,
"Go and catch old Patches over there and saddle him up. You can all take turns riding him, it'll give ya a bit of experience in case ya need it some time."

     Patches was a strong-looking black and white Gelding. one of the boys threw a saddle across him and was trying to do up the cinch.
"Not like that, ya pommy bastard! Go back in the barn and get me a saddle blanket."
     As soon as the boy returned, Defoe placed the saddle blanket over old Patches back. Then he threw the Aussie Stock Saddle on top of the blanket as he said,
"Don't forget to pull the far-side stirrup iron over the saddle cause if ya don't, when ya throw the saddle over him, the stirrup iron will hit him under the guts and that'll spook him and make him kick. This old horse has seen more Pommy bastards than any other horse alive in Australia today. He's not particularly fond of 'em, so watch him cause he's not afraid of kickin' and he doesn't mind biting a piece of Pommy arse now and again."
     Once the saddle was in place, Defoe pulled the cinch up tight.
"Once you've got the cinch up tight, walk him around a bit cause he's a cunning bastard. He'll puff his belly out to make ya believe the cinch is tight and when ya go to mount him, he'll let the air out and then you and the saddle will go arse over head in the dirt, OK? Now, after you've walked him around a bit, if he still keeps his belly puffed out, ya give him him a real good swift kick in the guts, like this." 'BOOT!
     Defoe kicked Patches right in the guts. In turn, Patches kicked up both of his back legs high in the air. Defoe pulled hard on the cinch which tightened up the strap a couple of notches.
"Now you're ready to mount. Watch carefully or you'll get bit on the arse. You always mount from this side and make sure ya hold the far-side rein tight so he can't bite ya. Ya put ya left foot in the stirrup and ya swing ya leg up and over in one easy movement. Like this!"
     Defoe was now looming above us as he sat astride Patches.
"Ya give him a good, firm dig with the heel of ya boot, then away ya go mate!"
     After he'd walked Patches around the yard for a while, he dismounted and said to me,
"Alright Squirt, hop on 'im and have a go."

     I'd only ever ridden a donkey on Blackpool Beach as a kid for sixpence a ride. I took a deep breath and with great determination strode up to Patches, who put his head down as soon as he saw me approach him.
"Grab those reins tight Squirt!", Defoe said to me. "Pull on the far side one until he lifts his head up again."
     As I pulled on the rein, Patches swung his massive head around and tried to bite my bony, little arse.
"Look out squirt!, said Defoe. The mean old bastard will have a piece of ya arse if ya not careful mate."
     This little show made all the boys laugh. Patches knew he was the center of everyones attention. He swung his head around for another go at mi arse.
"That stirrup iron is too long for ya squirt so adjust the strap like this mate. It should only be the length of ya arm, from your fingertips to your underarm. That's good enough mate. I'll do the other side for ya."
     When the stirrup iron was the correct length, Defoe said,
"Git up on him and watch out for the cunning old bastard. He's likely to do anything. You've got to be thinking one step ahead of the old bastard cause if not, he'll take over and run the fucking show on ya!"
     I mounted  Patches just like I'd seen on the cowboy shows. I gave him a couple of good kicks with the heel of mi boots and Patches started to walk around.
"Good on ya squirt.", said Defoe. "That's the idea. He's real hard in the mouth so you've got to ride him and show him who's boss, cause if not, he'll take over and run the fucking show on ya! Oy! Open that gate ya curly-headed pufta so the squirt can go for a ride in the cow paddock."

     Dave opened the gate so Patches and me rode through into the paddock.
'This is a piece of cake', I thought as I watched Cowboy Dick, riding along with one arm down at his side. 'What a great life it is riding the Bush Range in Australia. Maybe I'll get misen a job droving cattle around the Bush now that I can ride a horse.'

     When we reached the bottom of the long paddock, I was still fantasizing misen as a cowboy. I almost pulled out one of mi imaginary six-guns that were slung low at mi hips. Just then Patches turned around totally unexpected and took of back up the back up the paddock at full speed. All I could do was to hang on as mi new bush hat flew off mi head into nowhere. Faster and faster Patches galloped up the paddock. I was shit-scared but at the same time, the excitement of the gallop was amazing.
'Oh no! Now what do I do? 40 yards ahead of me was the barb-wire fence where all the boys stood cheering and ya-hooing.
"Ride the old bastard!", yelled Defoe.
"Ya-hoo!, screamed the boys.

     The fence now loomed dangerously close and my fantasies were long gone. All of a sudden Patches applied the horses brakes and I saw misen flying through the air, headlong over the fence. The next thing I remember was Defoe, pulling me up onto mi feet. The back of mi head had a throbbing, dull ache in it and mi arse felt like someone had just kicked it with a size 10 boot.
"Jesus bloody Christ mate! What the fuck are ya playing at? You're supposed to stop when the horse stops! You'll bloody well hurt ya self getting off a horse that way! Now git back up on the old bastard and try it again."
"I don't think I'm cut out for riding horses, Mr. Defoe.", I said.
"Fucking bullshit lad. You'll make a fucking good jockey if ya stop eating. Now git back on him cause if ya don't, you'll end up scared of horses and if ya scared of horses, ya rooted for Bush life."
    Someone caught Patches and handed me the reins. Defoe gave me a leg up.
"Now watch the old bastard. he thinks he's got it all over ya now."
    Defoe was absolutely right cause as soon as we went through the gate into the paddock, Patches refused to go anywhere.
"Give the rotten old bastard a decent kick in the guts.", yelled Defoe.
     The heel of mi boots made contact with Patches sides. He didn't take a liking to this command so he decided to buck. Up on his hind legs he stood. He went down again and at the same time he kicked his back legs high in the air.
"Ya-hoo!", yelled some of the boys.
"Ride him cowboy!", yelled another boy.
"Show the bastard what you're made of Pommy!", yelled Defoe.
     I gave Patches another good command. Up and down he went, kicking and bucking for all his worth. Mi arse and knees were now feeling pain as Patches continued to try to hurl me to the ground again.
"Make the bastard go down the paddock!", said Defoe.
     By sheer will power, I got Patches to walk forwards and down the paddock again, only this time there were no cowboy fantasies playing around in mi head, only a dull, throbbing ache.
     When we got to the bottom of the paddock, I was one step ahead of Patches. I now knew what Defoe was trying to teach me. Instead of letting Patches run the show, I held the rein in tight so he could not have his head. After a few seconds, I said to Patches, in mi broad Yorkshire accent,
"OK Patches, you fuckin old bastard! This time I'm runnin' the fucking show! Now move, you Aussie bastard! Yahhhh!!!"
     Patches needed no command from my boot heel but I gave him one anyway just to let him know who was the boss. Off we went at full gallop. I gave him another good heel and for good measure I gave him a hefty slap on his arse with mi right hand. 'Yah!' I yelled at the top of mi voice as Patches thundered back up the long paddock.

     We passed mi new Bush hat and for a split second I thought I might lean down and snatch it from the ground like a Russian Cossack but dismissed the thought at once. "Yah!!!!, up the paddock we galloped. The barb-wire fence was now getting closer. As we got about 10 feet away from it, Patches applied the brakes but this time, I leaned back in the saddle and pulled on the left-hand rein with me feet stuck out at the front.
     Patches didn't like this at all. He gave a few good bucks to show his disapproval  but Dafoe yelled,
"You've got it all over him now Squirt. Ride him back here so one of these other puftas can show off his horsemanship!"

     As I dismounted, Patches swung his head around to bite mi arse and gave me a look of disapproval. Defoe said,
"Good on ya mate. We'll make a fuckin' good Bushman out of you yet Squirt. Where ya from in England Mate?"
"I'm from Yorkshire, Mr. Defoe."
"Well, in that case mate, I'll just call ya 'Yorky' from now on and you can call me 'Bill'. We can do away with that Mr. Defoe bullshit, cause you've earned it lad. Now ya can lean on the fence and watch Patches give that ugly, little bastard Maurice a good fucking workout.
"Come here Maurice, you little pufta. Up ya fucking go mate. Show us what ya made of!"

     I really felt a lot of love in mi heart for Bill Defoe now. It felt very strange at first to call him 'Bill', but before long, I started to feel what it was like to be called a man. Bill Defoe taught me to face fear and not to shrink away from it.  The lessons I learned from this hard man served me well throughout mi Bush life. There we many hard lessons yet to come, unbeknownst to me, but his brand of love, I still carry in mi heart.

DIALOGUE SCRIPT FOR MRS. GIBSON

MRS GIBSON
=
ONE
WISE
WOMAN

CHARACTERS:

YORKY

FREDDY

WAR DOG

MRS. GIBSON (GIBBI)

MAVIS (HEAD COOK)

CATH GILLTRAP

LOCATIONS:

GILLTRAPS HOTEL KITCHEN

GILLTRAPS HOTEL BAR

SOW PEN

PARKING LOT OF GILLTRAPS

INTERIOR OF YORKYS' CAR

LAWN OF MAVISES HOUSE

EXTERIOR OF GIBBIS' HOUSE

YORKYS ROOM IN HOTEL

Yorky is 18 years old now. He hasn't had a root..YET! But he doesn't stop trying!)    

It was a common practice at Gilltraps, on a Friday and Saturday nights, to migrate into the lounge, which was commonly known as The Sow Pen.

     The Sow Pen was a room off of the end of the bar. It had a serving hatch where one could order their beers. A juke box that played country music, like Slim Dusty, Rick and Thel and Chad Morgan, and everyones' favorite song Running Bear. Sadie the Cleaning Lady ran a close second.

     Round tables and fairly comfortable chairs were provided as the Sow Pen was furnished with women in mind, seeing as they weren't allowed in the barroom. According to that bit of strategy, women were one rung lower on the ladder, as Abbos' were now allowed to drink in the bar and drink they did. Women not being allowed in the bar was not a NSW government law. It was, more or less, a Bush law owing to the fact that blokes would get full of grog, curse and swear.

     Those days were not like today, where most people swear in mixed company. For example; women were not allowed in the shearing shed. If any woman was within earshot of the shed, some one would yell out, 'Ducks on the Pond!'

************************

     Mrs. Gibson was an Aboriginal cook who worked for Cath Gilltrap in the Hotel kitchen. She was about 50 years old and probably had 30 to 40% white fella in her. Her height was about 5'7" and she weighed around 12 stone (170 pounds).  Mrs. Gibson, who was known as Gibbi, dressed well and spoke very good english. She was also the proud mother of 5 children of various ages.

     Some mornings, when I was due to leave early for work, she would, very kindly, make me some breakfast before the scheduled time. Gilltraps dining room was nothing to write home about. Although very clean, it was more or less, one empty room with 4 dining tables plus chairs. Not wanting to sit in an empty room to eat my breakfast, Mrs. Gibson cleared a space on the over-sized  kitchen table where I could eat.

     On one particular morning, the head cook was late for work. She'd been on the grog in the Sow Pen, with her drinking mates the night before. Cath Gilltrap, who was normally even tempered and very fair, was in a stinking mood, as she rushed around the kitchen helping Gibbi with the cooking and cleaning. Eventually the head cook arrived for work 40 minutes late. No sooner had she put on her apron, Cath Gilltraps' had a piece of her.

CATH

What time d'ya call this? Ya paid to start work at 5:30.

MAVIS THE HEAD COOK

Yeah, I know.

CATH

This is not acceptable. You've been late twice already this week.

MAVIS

Yeah, 5 minutes.

CATH

How would you like it if I had added up the times that you've been late and docked it off ya pay?

MAVIS

It won't happen again.

CATH

What am I gonna' tell the guests this morning, now that the schedule is off?

 (All of a sudden and without warning, Mavis removes her apron and throws it into the large pot of lamb stew that is sitting on the stove.)

MAVIS

Ya know what Cath? Why don't ya take ya fuckin' apron and ya breakfast schedule and shove it up ya arse and while we're at it, if you ever want me to cook for ya again, I want a raise!

(She storms out and says to Mrs. Gibson as she is leaving)

See ya in the Sow Pen.

GIBBI

Well that certainly livened up the morning. 

(Gibbi to Mrs. Gilltrap.)

What are we gonna' do for a Head cook now?

CATH

 You can be the head cook, until I find a replacement.

GIBBI

Not bloody likely. I'm already working mi arse off in here, as it is.

CATH

I'll put a few extra bucks in ya wages for ya.

GIBBI

No bloody way. I've got a bad back and I'm already doing more work than I get paid for! You need to find another head cook today or there'll be no more meals cooked in this kitchen.

CATH

I'm not gonna' be able to find another cook in one day! What d'ya expect me to do?

GIBBI

Well, I suppose you'd better go round and see her.

CATH

For what?

GIBBI

Apologize for going off on her. Ya know how temperamental she is when she's had a big night on the grog. Besides, she's the best cook in the Lake. You'll never find anyone better than her.

CATH

Just do lunch and dinner for me Gibbi and I'll have some one else by tonight.

GIBBI

All right, but that's it! If you haven't got someone by the time I knock off, I won't be in tomorrow. You can let me know when you've found someone!

(Cath leaves the kitchen)

YORKY

Jeesus, what a beaut drama! So what happens now?

GIBBI

She'll have to apologize to her and ask her to come back to work.

YORKY

What if she doesn't?

GIBBI

She'll have to. That old sheila took a hotel cooking course. She's got a certificate to prove it.

YORKY

Why don't you want the job Gibbi? You'll make more money.

GIBBI

Bullshit! She'll have me doing more work for the same pay. I might be an Abbo but I'm not stupid or lazy like those mission bungs. I'm educated and I live in town. I've raised 5 good kids and they're all pretty well-educated as well!

********************

 (INT KITCHEN - NEXT MORNING) 

Yorky walks into the kitchen for breakfast, he sees Mavis, the Head Cook, in a clean apron, busying herself at the stove.)

YORKY

What happened?

(Yorky asks Mrs. Gibbi quietly)

GIBBI

Cath Gilltrap had to go round to her place and apologize and give her the raise she asked for.

YORKY

So, things are hunky-dorry now?

GIBBI

Yeah, till the next time.

*************************************

   (INT BAR - GILLTRAPS HOTEL)

 (It's Friday night and Freddy, Yorky and War Dog are in a school together at the bar, relaxing from a weeks hard work. Freddy, walks back from the dunny)

FREDDY

Hey Yorky mate, I just stuck mi head in the Sow Pen. They've got a bit of a party goin' on in there. Ya think we ought to join 'em?

YORKY

Why not mate. We'll finish this round off, then poke our noses in there and see what's happening. Ya wanna' join us War Dog?

WAR DOG

Now why the fuck would I wanna' sit in the Sow Pen with a bunch of middle-aged, fat sheilas' who are half-tanked up on grog?

FREDDY

It might be fun War Dog. Some of 'em are dancing.

WAR DOG

That sounds to me like it would be as much fun as a feed of shit mate. When are you two bastards gonna learn? If ya wanna' root, ya gotta hop in that old A55 of yours and take off to West Wyalong or Griffith. Somewhere, where nobody knows ya'!

YORKY

Very fuckin' funny War Dog. Like you're the expert at gittin' a root.

WAR DOG

Look mate, I'm no expert at gittin' a root but don't ya' think I was a young bloke once? Same as you two fuck-wits. Lake Cargelligo is a small, conservative, Bush town. Ya can't fart without the whole town knows about it. The smell wouldn't have time to leave ya strides before they were talkin'.

FREDDY

Were you a young bloke once?

(Freddy fakes a shocked look on his face.)

WAR DOG

Ya cheeky, fuckin' cunt! I'm surprised at you mate. Ya startin' to sound like this pommy bastard here. Haven't ya ever heard of respectin' ya elders?

     (The tone of War Dogs voice changes the look on Freddys' face.)

FREDDY

Can't ya take a joke War Dog? You're always tryin' to take the piss outa' me and Yorky. If ya not on at us about rootin, you're on at us about our workin' ability.

WAR DOG

And rightly so! He'll never git a root as long as his arsehole points to the ground, and you Freddy, mi old china, wouldn't work in an Iron, fuckin' lung!  Have ya forgotten mate? I'm the bloke who worked on the relief gang with ya.

FREDDY

Yeah, well fuck you War Dog. You're not such a great worker ya self. You still think manual labor is a Dago tennis star!

WAR DOG

     (This little joke of Freddys' strikes a raw nerve in War Dog.)

What am I doing, wasting mi fuckin' time sittin' here, drinkin' beer with you two disrespectful ding- bats? Fuck you two, I'm off down to Twitcheys for a beer. At least I'll git a bit of intelligent conversation there. All you two bastards ever think about is work and rootin', and not necessarily in that order!

 (The barmen walks over to Yorky, Freddy and War Dog.) 

BARMAN

Same again fellas?

WAR DOG

No, shove it up ya fuckin' tucker-shute mate!

(War Dog makes a quick exit.)

BARMAN

Jeesus fellas, ya sure riled the old bastard up tonight!

YORKY

Fuck him! He can dish it out but he can't take it. He's always the same once he's had a skin-full. Anyway, he'll have forgotten all about it by tomorrow.

BARMAN

Ya probably right mate, but don't drive any more of my customers off to Twitcheys or I'll end up down there miself, lookin' for a job!

    (The barman put 2 middys on the counter, give a wink and walks away without pickin' up the money off the bar.)

FREDDY

Jeesus Yorky, maybe you should insult War Dog more. I think the barman just shouted us!

FREDDY

Sounds alright to me Yorky mate. Let's migrate to the Sow Pen.

*************************

(INT SOW PEN)

     (Yorky and Feddy find chairs and a table and settle into a fun evening of beer and laughter. The usual songs were plugged on the juke box and everyone is enjoying themselves. Even Freddy gets up for a bit of a dance. His moves looked slightly retarded!)

     (Mrs. Gibson is, by this time, well on her way. She must have been because when some one played a slow song she says to Yorky)

GIBBI

Come on Chummy, ya pommy bastard, make an old Ginn happy, git up and dance with me.

    (Yorky notices as the night wears on, she starts pulling him in closer on the slow dances. This little action started to provoke ideas in his teenage, sex-starved brain, as he can feel her rather large breasts pushing against his chest.)

I really love a good party Chummy.

(She says as they move around in a small circle.) 

But don't get me wrong mate, I'm not an Alchy' like these black bastards, out at the mission. I'm a clean-livin' woman.

YORKY

     (After the dance finishes, Yorky and Gibbi sit at a table together, drinking their beer.)

Don't ya like the Mission Abbos, Gibbi?

GIBBI

Course I do. They're my people. How can I not?

YORKY

So why ya down on 'em.

GIBBI

I'm not down on 'em, it's their actions that I'm pissed-off with. They give all my people a bad name. Take your mate Popeye, for example. He walks around in bloody rags, 'cause he spends his money on cheap plonk. Then when he's broke down to the bones of his scrawny arse, he spends his time biting money off white fellas that have been working hard in the Bush all day! What the Aboriginal board ought to do is train 'em up to do something useful in life. That would give 'em a bit of self-respect and for the ones who refuse, kick 'em off the Mission and stick 'em back in the Bush. That'd wake 'em up.

YORKY

Don't ya put any blame on the white fellas' for stealing the land and introducing them to grog?

GIBBI

Course I bloody do. There's enough blame to go around for everyone but whinging about it hasn't done any good so far.

YORKY

What about ya kids, Gibbi? What do they identify with, black fellas or white fellas?

GIBBI

Both. And I brought them up not to be racists. There's too much of that shit around already!

YORKY

What about ya husband? Is he still alive?


GIBBI

Yeah, he works on a station, west of here.


YORKY

D'ya ever see him?

GIBBI

Yeah, when he's blind drunk. He comes around biting me for money. He's a weak-willed piece of shit. Soon as he gets a check, he'll go and piss it up against the wall with his lazy abbo mates. What bloody use is he to a woman? I'm better off without him! I raised all my kids on mi own with no bloody help from that useless bastard! Let's change the subject Chummy, I don't wanna get all pissed- off and cranky. I'm in a good mood tonight!

(Mavis, comes over to the table where Yorky and Gibbi are sitting.)

MAVIS

We're carrying the party on at our place after Traps closes, so I'm off home now to set up some tables and chairs on the lawn. You interested?

GIBBI

Too right Mavis, I'm up for anything tonight. I can't remember when I've had as good a time.

MAVIS

Well, make sure ya come and bring ya mate with ya.

GIBBI

No worries Mave, I'll be there.

Hey Chummy, have you still got that old rust bucket of yours?

YORKY

Yeah, it's out the back of Traps, parked up. I don't drive it much 'cause it uses near on as much oil as petrol.

GIBBI

Ya think it would get us the other side a' town?

YORKY

If she starts up, she will and as long as the battery's not flat.

GIBBI

Ya wanna' drive me to Mavis's place later?

YORKY

No worries. Sounds like a good plan to me.

GIBBI

That old bomb's safe isn't it?

YORKY

Yeah. It's even registered!

GIBBI

Ya ever had a fat old Ginn in the passengers seat before?

YORKY

I'm not sure what ya mean?

GIBBI

I mean me! You'd better make sure the front tires are good and solid or we'll driving on the rims.

YORKY

You're not a fat, old Ginn, Gibbi. You're a pretty good sort.

GIBBI

Ya should have seen me before I got married and dropped 5 kids! I was a pretty good sort then.

YORKY

I'm sure you were Gibbi.

(Gilltrap yells through the serving hatch)

GILLTRAP

 Last Orders! Better hurry up if ya want another

**************************

(EXT PARKING LOT)

(Yorky and Gibbi finish their drinks and make their way out to the parking area where Yorkys' car is parked.)

GIBBI

Look out!

(They stumble around, a little drunk.)

Over there in the dark!

     (It is almost impossible to see two aboriginal men, sprawled out with an empty flagon on its side between them.)

You start the car Chummy. I'm gonna call the Sergeant and tell him to come pick 'em up.

YORKY

Why would ya do that? He'll chuck 'em in the Bull Wagon and take 'em off to jail for the night!

GIBBI

Better that, then gettin' run over by some drunken Yobbo, leaving the bar!

    (Gibbi takes off back to the bar to phone Sergeant Montgomery. Yorky sets about starting up the car that hadn't been driven for a few weeks. Yorky checks the oil, and the car fires up on the third try.)

 (Gibbi returns from the bar)

 YORKY

Hop in love, we're on our way!

GIBBI

You are bloody joking! I'll be flat-out lifting up my fat, black arse onto the seat, never mind 'hopping'! I haven't hopped onto anything for the past twenty years!

(Laughter between the two)

 (Yorky carefully reverses the car out onto the street.)

YORKY

We'd better git out'a here quick Gibbi before the sergeant shows up, or depending on his mood, he may ask me why I'm driving after drinking all night!

GIBBI

Oh fuck that fat bastard Chummy. He's after black fellas' now, not white fellas. One of those mission abbos was so black he'll have to use his torch to find him in the dark.

********************

(EXT MAVIS' HOUSE.)

 (The barbecue party at Mavises' house is a roaring success. Yorky and Gibbi drink more Tinnies, eat lamb chops and steak and do their best to dance around on the lawn like a bunch of crazies.)

GIBBI

Let's go Chummy, ya pommy bastard.

(The long night has drawn to a close.)

YORKY

No worries mate. D'ya need me to help ya git ya fat black arse into the car?

GIBBI

Maybe. Let me try it on mi own first and if not we'll take one cheek apiece and load it in that way.

(Laughter between the two.)

*****************************

(INT CAR)

  (It is near dawn when they pull up in front of Gibbis' house.)

YORKY

There ya go mate. I got ya home safe and sound.

GIBBI

Hey Chummy, I've got to tell ya mate, this is the best night out I've had since, I don't know when.
Give us a bit of a kiss and cuddle and that will make my day.

     (Yorky fulfills the request. At the same time, he slowly slides his hand up the inside of her leg. He'd only got his hand halfway to the destination when it comes to an abrupt halt with her hand on top of his stopping any further progress. After a few minutes of persistence and failure at each attempt, Gibbi says)

Chummy, the front seat of this old bomb of yours is too small for what you've got in mind and I'm too fucking old and drunk to try fumbling around on the back seat, so I'll make you a deal mate! You take me on a night-out to a five star restaurant in Griffith, with a tablecloth and candles and when we get home, I'll invite you into my old humpy and ya can root me all night long! How does that sound?

YORKY

  (Yorky is quite shocked with her blunt honesty.  He gives her a good smile) 

Alright Gibbi, you're on! It's a date, as long as this oil burner can make it. I'll let you know when.


 (Gibbi clicks open the car door and after a few tries to get out she says.)

GIBBI

Well don't just sit there mate, these seats are too bloody low. Give us a hand out!

(Yorky gets out and goes to the passenger side. After a bit of effort he has her out of the car and on her feet.)

Good on ya mate.

(Gibbi wobbles off up the path to her front door.)

********************

(INT YORKYS' ROOM)

     (It is now well and truly Saturday morning as Yorky parks the car. Once inside his room, he throws himself on top of the bed and contemplates the offer that Gibbi had made him. It doesn't take long to nod off, as it's been a long night of partying. Yorky is awakened around 12 Noon by a loud knocking on the door.

YORKY

All right! All right, I'm fuckin' comin'! Hold ya bloody horses!

(He opens the door. Freddy is standing there) 

Jeesus Freddy, did ya have to knock so bloody loud?

FREDDY

Ya got a headache Yorky?

YORKY

No mate, I never get headaches but I feel like shit. I didn't git home till this morning.

Ya got any Tinnies in ya room mate?

FREDDY

No, I just finished the last one. Mi mouth tasted like the bottom of a fuckin' parrot cage when I woke up. 

YORKY

Go grab a six-pack will ya mate? Mi tongues stickin' to the roof of mi mouth. I'll fix ya up, when ya get back.

(Freddy exits to get beer and then returns. Once the cans are opened they take swigs)

YORKY

What time d'ya git home mate?

FREDDY

About 3 this morning What about you?

 YORKY

Ya beat me by a couple of hours. The sun was coming up when I laid down. I didn't even bother to take off mi good gear, by the looks of it!

FREDDY

That's not like you Yorky mate. Your room's always 10 times more tidy than mine and ya good clothes are always hung up behind the door.

YORKY

Yeah, I must have had a better night than I thought! What's the Johnny-Dorry Freddy? Did ya git any last night?

FREDDY

Well, sort of mate.

YORKY

What d'ya mean, 'sort of'? Either ya did or ya didn't. Come on mate, spill ya guts.

FREDDY

I got a ride to the party with some sheila who was related to Mavis.

YORKY

The one I saw ya dancin' with?

FREDDY

Yeah, that was probably her, mate.

YORKY

She didn't look like a bad sort.

FREDDY

Yeah, she was pretty good fun. She almost drunk me under the table. She was chuckin' it back like it was goin' out of fashion.

YORKY

Was she from the Lake?

FREDDY

Nah, she said she was from Condo. She's divorced with a couple of kids.

YORKY

How old was she?

FREDDY

I didn't ask mate but she looked about 35 or 40.

YORKY

A divorcee, with a couple of kids! Ya must have hit the jackpot?

FREDDY

Not quite mate. At the end of the night, we parked up along the lakeside and started some heavy pettin' but she wouldn't go all the way.

YORKY

How come?

FREDDY

I think she was one of those old-fashioned types that doesn't cock it up on a first date.

YORKY

So ya got nothin'?

FREDDY

Well, not exactly. She agreed to flog mi maggot and said she'd go all the way next time.

YORKY

Fuckin' hell Freddy, at least ya got something. It's more than I got.

FREDDY

Last time I saw ya Yorky, you were spinning old Mrs. Gibson around on the lawn.

YORKY

Yeah mate, that's about all that happened.

FREDDY

Don't tell me you were thinkin' of rootin' old Mrs. Gibson?

YORKY

She's not that fuckin' old mate and besides, she's a lot of fun to be with. I wasn't thinkin' about her age.

FREDDY

Ya mean 'cause she's an abbo?

YORKY

Yeah, sort of. She's not a mission abbo Freddy, she's lived in town most of her life.

FREDDY

Did ya try anythin' on with her?

YORKY

Yeah, I got mi hand half-way up her leg before she stopped me. After a few more times, she agreed to give me a root.

FREDDY

So ya hit the jackpot?

YORKY

Nah, there was a fuckin' catch to it.

FREDDY

What d'ya mean 'a catch'?

YORKY

When she stopped mi hand the last time, she said she'd make me a deal. If I take her to a 5 star restaurant in Griffith for a night out, when we get home, I could root her all night long!

FREDDY

Fair fuckin' dinkum, she said that?

YORKY

Fuckin' oath mate.

FREDDY

Are ya gonna?

YORKY

I don't know yet.

FREDDY

Ya not seriously thinkin' of takin' an abbo sheila to a posh restaurant are ya?

YORKY

Well, that's the problem I've created for miself. If I take her to a restaurant, it's bound to be full of white fellas' and their wives and ya know what that's gonna' be like. They'll be starin' at us and talkin' about us all the time we're there! I can't pretend it's mi older sister or mi auntie, can I? I'm as white as a shirt washed in New Blue Star, fuckin' OMO, in comparison to her. She's as black as the Ace of Spades!

Now, if I don't take her, she's gonna' think I'm a racist, white bastard who's ashamed to be seen with her, in a high-class restaurant, so I'm not sure what I'm gonna' do yet.

FREDDY

I know ya not askin' me mate but if I was in your position, I think I'd rather be seen as a white racist bastard than a low-life Ginn jockey. Besides, even if ya weren't rootin' the old girl, they'd imagine ya were.

YORKY

Yeah, that's what I'm thinkin'. If I don't take her after I already said I would, she'll think I'm a racist bastard, as well.

FREDDY

It's a pity she's not white?

YORKY

Why'd ya say that mate?

FREDDY

 'Cause if she was white, they'd think you were a granny-fucker, which at least, is one step up from a Ginn Jockey!

YORKY

I suppose you think that's fuckin' funny Freddy?,

(Freddy has a fit of laughter.) 

Here I am, in the shit now because mi brains were in the head of mi dick last night and all you can do is extract the urine at my expense!

FREDDY

Oh, I'm sorry for laughin' Yorky mate. It's just so fuckin' funny.


YORKY

By the way Freddy, don't you dare tell old War Dog about this fiasco or I'll never hear the end of it!

FREDDY

Well, all in all Yorky, after hearing about your night, I don't feel so bad about mine. At least I got a wank, with no strings attached!

****************************

(After discussing this predicament with Freddy,  Yorky decides not to go into Gilltraps' kitchen for an early breakfast until he can work out a good excuse for why he wouldn't be takin' Mrs. Gibson for a 5 Star meal. The excuse that keep coming up more than any other was that his old car wont make it. Once the decision is made, Yorky walks into the kitchen wearing the best smile he can, under the circumstances.)

(INT HOTEL KITCHEN)

YORKY

G'day Gibbi.

     (Gibbi is stirring a pot on the stove. She turns and faces Yorky with a smile)

GIBBI

G'day Chummy, How are ya?

YORKY

Not bad Gibbi, how are you?

GIBBI

Eggs on toast do ya this morning?

YORKY

That sounds great Gibbi. Thanks.

 (Yorky sits there at the table, all sorts of excuses are running through his mind. What throws him for a loop is the fact that she smiles at him.)

YORKY (V/O)

Maybe she still  thinks I'm still gonna' take her to a posh restaurant in Griffith? What's gonna' happen when I break the bad news to her? She'll never speak to me again.

(Gibbi puts put the eggs on toast in front of him)

GIBBI

Ya wanna' cup of tea with that Chummy?

    (She's being so kind and sweet to Yorky that he now feels like shit inside. She puts the tea down in front of Yorky and then she passes over the milk and sugar, which he could have reached himself.)

GIBBI

I think I'll have a quick cuppa' miself.

 (Gibbi pours herself a cup of tea and clears a place at the table, directly opposite Yorky.)

YORKY (V/O)

     Oh, fuck me dead, here it comes. I'm not lookin' forward to this little drama!

GIBBI

So how ya been since the party Chummy. Ya haven't been in for breakfast for a few days.

YORKY

No, I wasn't workin' Gibbi. I've been gettin' a bit of extra rest in the mornings.

GIBBI

Chummy, you and I need to have a bit of a chat about the other night.

 (Yorky almost chokes on a bit of toast at the thought of what Gibbi is going to say to him.  Gibbi still has a decent smile on her face.)

That nights' partying we did together was the best fun I've had for a long time mate. I almost felt like a young girl again.

YORKY

Oh that's great Gibbi.

(Yorky tries to hide the nervousness in his voice.)

GIBBI

Yeah Chummy, dancing with you mate made me realize what life is all about. I've been working my arse off for so many years, bringing up 5 kids on mi own that I'd forgotten all about looking after miself.

YORKY

I'm happy to hear that Gibbi and I'm glad you had fun.

GIBBI

How about you Chummy? Did you have a good time?

YORKY

Yeah, of course I did. Parties are always good fun.

GIBBI

Do you remember our little deal we talked about before I got out'a that old bomb of yours, in front of my place?

YORKY (V/O)

     Oh fuck me dead, here it comes. She'll never speak to me again after this. I've ruined a good friendship, just for feeling a bit of warm thigh!

YORKY

Yeah, well I've been meanin' to talk to you about that Gibbi....

GIBBI

Hang on a minute Chummy, I haven't finished yet. Look Chummy, you and I are real good mates and I don't wanna' hurt ya' so I'm just gonna' blurt it out. I've changed mi mind about the deal. I'm not comfortable with it. I was full of grog when I suggested it and it sounded great at the time but it's been bothering me for the past few days.  I don't wanna lead ya' on, when it's not gonna' go anywhere. I don't wanna' go to a 5 star restaurant in Griffith, and besides the place will be full of rich white fellas' and their wives. Ya can guarantee they'll be thinking, 'What's that fat old Ginn doing with that young white fella. They'll be thinking I'm a bloody cradle snatcher! I can't really pass ya off as mi cousin. Here's me, as black as the night, and here's you with skin like a pomegranate! I hope ya not too disappointed?

YORKY (V/O)

     Oh Jeesus, thank you Lord! There is a God after all! I'm off the hook and I won't come out a' this lookin' like a racist bastard!

YORKY

Well, I am a bit, Gibbi, but no worries mate. I don't wanna' hold ya to a deal ya not comfortable with.

GIBBI

That's very gentlemanly of ya Chummy. As I said, I've been worrying miself sick since I made that stupid deal. I guess it was the grog that was talking.

     (For fun, Yorky says to Gibbi,)

YORKY

I suppose a fuck's out of the question now, as well eh?

GIBBI

Well Chummy.

(Said with a big smile on her face) 

What can I tell ya' mate, No feed no fuck! Anyway, why would ya' wanna' root a big, old black-arsed Ginn like me when there's a whole world of young, white sheilas' out there that would be glad of the opportunity.


YORKY

In Lake Cargellligo, Gibbi? If ya' come across one, let me know will ya?

  (They both laugh. Cath enters kitchen)

CATH

What are you two laughing about, so early in the morning?

YORKY

Gibbi just told me a rude joke.

CATH

Mrs. Gibson, I'm surprised at you!

    (Yorky makes a quick exit.) 

****************

(INT YORKYS' ROOM )

FREDDY

So ya still takin' Mrs. Gibson for a 5 Star dinner Yorky?

YORKY

Nah mate, she dumped me. She said she was full when she made the deal.

FREDDY

Oh that's a shame. Would ya like me to give me Granny a ring? I reckon I could set ya' up there, no problem at all mate!

YORKY

Git fucked Freddy!

 

 

 

ROMANCING NURSE NANCY...NOT!!! ©

ROMANCING NURSE NANCY
....NOT!!!    ©

     My two favorite haunts in Lake Cargelligo were Gilltraps and the Dagos' shop. Gilltraps provided me with work as that is where laboring and shearing were to be found. The Dagos' shop is where I could get a feed and the most amount of socializing, taking into account that Lake Carigelligo was a small Bush town.

     On this particular occasion, I was sat in the Dagos' shop with a good-size T-bone steak sat in front of me. A couple of eggs and extra chips turned the meal into a good Bush feed.

     Jimmy Xmas's latest addition to his staff was a Dago called Sammy, who had been working there for a couple of months. Sammy was not your everyday, garden variety Dago, who spoke with a thick greek accent. He had been educated in the Aussie school system since he was 7 years old. He was 25 now. He had the standard black hair and permanent 5 O'clock shadow. His wife was 22. She was quite short with dyed blonde hair which looked really strange, owing to her black eyebrows, plus the fact that she was 7 months pregnant. The icing on the cake was a 3 year old son who could be described, in no other way than a spoiled, tantrum-throwing brat!

SAMMY

G'day Yorky.

(Sammy sits himself down at the booth.)

 How are ya mate?

YORKY

Not too bad Sammy. How are you?

SAMMY

How's the feed?

YORKY

Pretty good mate.

SAMMY

Good. I cooked it 'specially for you.

YORKY

Well, good on you Sammy. I appreciate that mate.

 (Cafe door opens and a pretty, good-looking sort walks up to the counter.)

SAMMY

Jeezus.

(Sammy gets up from the table, in such a hurry, that he knocks over the dregs of Yorkys'  cuppachino. 

Sorry about that Yorky mate. I'll get ya another in a minute.

(Although Sammy was an Aussie citizen, he still had the greasy ways of a Dago which was on full display now, as he slid behind the counter, wearing his best Dago smile.)

Nancy, how are ya love? What can I git for ya today?

NANCY

Give us a pack of Styvesants and a box of Redheads.

SAMMY

No worries love. How's the nursing job going?

NANCY

Pretty good.

SAMMY

Ya still like nursing eh?

NANCY

I love the nursing part but the hours can be a bit of a drag at times.

(Nancy gives him a smile and makes her exit.)

YORKY

(Sammy brings Yorky another coffee)

Who's that?

SAMMY

(Sammy sits down opposite Yorky in the booth and lights up a cigarette.)

Nurse Nancy.

YORKY

Where d'ya know her from mate?

SAMMY

She comes in here a lot for smokes and milkshakes. Pretty good-looking Sheila, eh mate?

(Nurse Nancy was quite pretty. She had a decent size rack, slim waist, good-lookin' legs and a well-rounded arse that was not too big. 

_________________

(Yorky finishes his meal and leaves the cafe. He walks up the street to Gilltraps. Freddy is sitting on the steps finishing off a middy.)

FREDDY

How are ya Yorky mate?

YORKY

Not bad Freddy, how are you?

FREDDY

Bored fucking shitless sport. There's fuck all to do in the Lake when ya not workin'.

YORKY

Ya not wrong there Freddy. 

FREDDY

Come and have a beer with me mate. I hate drinkin' on mi own.

YORKY

I just had a big feed mate. Where's War Dog? He's always up for a beer.

FREDDY

Oh he's up at Keith Charmers' place fuckin' around with an old motor that he's doin' up for sale. Come on mate, just one round.

(Inside the bar Yorky and Freddy are seated at the bar.  Freddy cheers up. Yorky tells  him about going goat shooting with Sammy, the Dago.)

YORKY

Ya wanna' come with us mate? I'm sure Sammy won't mind. More the merrier when it comes to clearing out wild goats!

FREDDY

Nah,  fuck that for a game of tin soldiers Yorky. I'm not really keen on hunting. Besides that, I'm a lousy fuckin' shot.

YORKY

Alright, just thought I'd ask ya.

Hey Freddy, When I was at the Dagos' shop, this really good-lookin' sheila came in for some smokes. Ya should have seen her mate. She's the best lookin' sheila I've seen in the Lake for a while!

FREDDY

Did ya talk to her?

YORKY

No mate, I never got the chance but I'm gonna' keep an eye out for her. Ya never know.

FREDDY

Does she work?

YORKY

Sammy told me she's a nurse up at the hospital.

FREDDY

Jeezus Yorky, that sounds good mate. They tell me that those nurses are real go-ers.

YORKY

Yeah, I heard the same thing miself Freddy. I think I might be spendin' a bit more time at the Dagos' shop. Sammy says she comes in regular.

   __________________

(Sammy and Yorky are going to shoot feral goats on a mates property. In the car talking.)

SAMMY

(He angrily shoves the gear stick into first gear.)

This married life is driving me fucking nuts. If it's not the kid, it's the misuss.

YORKY

Yeah mate, and it's about to git worse. She's due to drop another one any day by the looks of her.

SAMMY

Nah, she's got another 8 weeks to go so I've still got a bit of fuckin'-around time left up mi sleeve!

YORKY

Fuckin' around doin' what? Drinkin' and partying?

SAMMY

Drinking, partying and rootin' Yorky mate!

YORKY

How's ya missus handle the rootin' at 7 months?

SAMMY

I'm not rootin' the missus mate. I've been rooting that nurse ya saw in the shop yesterday. 

YORKY

Ya mean Nancy?

SAMMY

Yeah mate, right first time.

YORKY

Bullshit sport, no offense but I can't see any sheila in Lake Cargelligo rootin' a Dago.

SAMMY

Well, she's not rooting a Pommy bastard is she mate?

YORKY

Ya know what Sammy, you're such a bullshittin' Dago bastard. There's no fuckin' way you're rootin' her!

SAMMY

Please yourself whether you believe me or not mate but I rooted her, in the back of this station wagon, last night out at the Common.

YORKY

Alright Sammy, I'm not gonna' argue with you. 

_________________________

 (Yorky decides not to bat that ball back. He is more interested in thinking about this new information he'd just got from Sammy. They drive the rest of the way to the cockys' place in silence.)

YORKY (V/O)

 How could she root a greazy, fucking Dago of all people? And here's me thinkin' she's a great sheila.

______________

    

     (It's night time and Yorky is laid on his bed. Yorkys' sex-starved brain is creating all sorts of situations where he was sexually and romantically involved with nurse Nancy. The best part of the fantasy is that she is madly in love with him as much as he is with her.  The worst part of the fantasy was a voice that told him that she was a slut and a whore. After all, she did fuck a dago and as everybody in the Bush knows, dagos are greezy bastards that are not to be trusted. They're only good for cooking T-bone steaks and mixed grills.

Back and forth, Yorkys' fantasies go bouncing between the positive and negatives, highs and lows. In the end, he feels so fucking confused that he wishes that he'd never even seen her.)

_________________________

(Yorky goes to the cafe for a feed at lunchtime. He's thinking about Nurse Nancy as he goes into the cafe. As soon as he pushes open the door, he can not believe his eyes. There is his one and only, the new-found love of his life, sitting at a booth with Sammy the dago. Under normal circumstances, when Yorky would walk into the cafe, Sammy would call out 'Yorky, ya pommy bastard! How are ya?', and he would respond in kind. Not so today. Upon seeing Yorky, he turns his head back to face Nurse Nancy and totally ignores him.)

YORKY (V/O)

     'You fucking greezy wop bastard!' Is the first thought that jumped to the front of mi mind. 'The first chance I get, I'll fuckin' skin ya alive, ya dago bastard."

All of this mind activity happened in less than a nano-second. Not to mention, the jealousy. 'Fuck that dago bastard', mi mind said. 'Just walk over to the table and introduce ya self!'

     (Standing in front of the table, Yorky puts up the best smile he can)

YORKY

Sammy, how are ya mate?

SAMMY

(He flashes a phony smile) 

Yorky, ya pommy  bastard. How are ya?

YORKY

I'm very well, thanks Sammy.

(Turns to face Nurse Nancy)

G'day love, Yorky's mi name. What's yours?

NANCY

I'm Nancy. Pleased to meet ya Yorky.

YORKY

Oh the pleasure is all mine love.

 (Yorky can tell from the look on Sammys' face that he's not too pleased with his charming introduction.)

Do you mind if I join you?

NANCY

No, not at all Yorky.

YORKY

 (Yorky turns to Sammy)

Would you mind sliding over on the seat Sammy?

 (Sammy gets up from the table.)

You sit on the inside so I can get out when a customer comes in.

(In truth, he wanted to sit on the outside because Nancy was sat on the outside. That way, he was still sat opposite her. There is quite a bit of tension at the table by now. )

NANCY

So where are you from Yorky?

YORKY

I'm from the North of England. I've been in Lake Cargelligo for about 3 years now.

SAMMY

Minus the 5 months ya spent on the Showgrounds chasing that little blonde strip-tease sheila!

YORKY (V/O)

     You rotten dago fucking bastard! That's it, this is fucking WAR!

NANCY

    ( Nancy laughs and smiles.)

Did you catch her Yorky?

SAMMY

'Course he didn't catch her but everyone else did. That's because he's a slow, pommy bastard!

NANCY

Oh that's not a very polite thing to say Sammy. Maybe she already had a boyfriend.

YORKY

As a matter of fact Nancy, you are quite correct. Her boyfriend was called Samson. He had a weight-lifting act and used to lay on a bed of nails with a huge rock on his chest.

NANCY

Why would he do that?, she asks, showing some interest in my show-ground exploits.

YORKY

Once the rock was balanced on his chest, he invited blokes from the audience to try and smash it with a big sledge hammer.

NANCY

My goodness! Why would someone do that?

SAMMY

     (Sammy jumps in to say.....)

Because he was stupid!

YORKY

   

The outside of his tent had a large colored banner that read, SAMSON THE GREEK GIANT. STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD!

NANCY

Isn't that where you're from Sammy?

SAMMY

Yeah, but not all greeks are stupid, which is more than I can say for Pommies.

     ( Nancy gives a little titter, but it is obviously forced.) 

YORKY

And where are you from Nancy?

NANCY

I'm from Sydney.

YORKY

 How did you end up in Lake Cargelligo?

NANCY

The Lake hospital ran an ad for a nurse because they were short-handed.  I applied and lucky for me I got the job.

YORKY

Did you work as a nurse in Sydney?

NANCY

Yeah, but I was getting a bit sick of the Big Smoke. Besides that, I'd always wanted to try Bush life.

YORKY

So I take it you like working at the Hospital?

SAMMY

Course she does!

     (Nancy ignored Sammys' interjection) 

NANCY

I love being a nurse but the hospital is still short-staffed so sometimes we have to do extra shifts.


YORKY

What do you do when you're not workin'?

NANCY

Is there anything to do in Lake Cargelligo when one isn't working?

SAMMY

(In a feeble attempt at making a joke.)

Ya can always help out at the cafe.

NANCY

Thanks for the offer Sammy but the last thing I need, at the moment, is more work.

YORKY

I was thinking more along the lines of fun.

 (Before Sammy could get another word in, his wife appears at the back of the cafe carrying a large crate full of soda bottles. As she struggles towards the glass-fronted refrigerator, she yells out to Sammy in her squeaky dago voice.)

SAMMY

(Gets up from table)

Got to go. Talk to ya later Nancy.

    (Sammy goes to help his wife who is still struggling with the crate as she tried to squeeze past the refrigerator door)

NANCY

She doesn't sound too happy.

YORKY

She isn't.

NANCY

I'd love to know what she said to him but I can't understand Greek. Can you Yorky?

YORKY

Yeah, I've picked up a bit of Greek from the odd times I've worked in the cafe for Jimmy Xmas.

NANCY

Come on, out with it. What did she say?

YORKY

She said, "Hey Sammy, how much longer are ya gonna sit on ya fat arse talking to the customers? I need some help over here!

NANCY

 She really said that?

YORKY

Yeah, fair dinkum! COLO means arse in greek. Can ya think of another sentence that would include 'arse' when you're struggling with a crate of soft drinks?

________________

 (Yorky now has his beloved Nancys' attention all to myself. Nancy and he could laugh and joke without Sammy interjecting some sarcastic remark. Sammy doesn't approve of the fun they are having. Every now and then, he would walk to the front of the cafe and pretend to be tidying something up behind the counter. At these times, Yorky would laugh a little louder than normal just to piss him off!)

NANCY

Well yorky, regrettably I have to go. I've got some jobs to do at home before my shift starts. I also need some sleep, otherwise I'll be half asleep on the ward which won't please the Ward Sister one little bit.

YORKY

That's a shame Nancy, seeing as we're having a good laugh but I don't want you to get into trouble.

NANCY

She'll be right Yorky. I won't get into any trouble, even half asleep, I'm good at my job.


YORKY

(Yorky blurts out)

Would ya like to go for a drive or something one night, after ya finish ya shift?

NANCY

Yes, why not. That sounds great. At least, it will be something to do. What kind of car do you have?

YORKY

It's an old A55, but it'a good for a cruise around town. What night are ya free?

NANCY

Well, I'm on night shift tonight and tomorrow night, then I've got a couple of afternoon shifts where I finish at 10. So Wednesday or Thursday. Take your pick.

YORKY

How about Thursday night? It'll give me time to clean up the old car.

NANCY

Sounds great to me. I'll see ya then.

(Nancy gets up from the table)

    

Oh, by the way, I've had a great time talking with ya. Hurru!

(Nancy exits the cafe)

SAMMY

  (Within less than a minute of Nancy's' leaving, Sammy is back at Yorkys' table with the excuse of wiping it down with the dirty cloth he's holding.)

Are you trying to git under my neck mate? She's my girlfriend, not yours.

YORKY

How the fuck can she be your girlfriend mate? You've already got a missus and one-and- a-half kids!

SAMMY

What's that got to do with anything mate? And besides, I'm already rootin' her. She's mine!

YORKY

Fuck you Sammy, you dago bastard! Don't you try and tell me what I can and can't do. I had a step-father who was three times your size and he couldn't control what I did!

SAMMY

What were ya laughin' about?

YORKY

Ya know what Sammy, under normal conditions I really like ya, but these are not normal conditions. This is fuckin' war so fuck off and mind ya own business. Go and help ya wife or Jimmy Xmas, ya makin' a nuisance out of ya self!

SAMMY

Fuck you, ya pommy bastard!

YORKY

Yeah? And fuck you ya dago dick-head!

_____________

    (Yorky leaves the cafe and makes his way up the street to Giltraps. Yorky decides to stick his head in the bar to see what was happening, if anything.)

FREDDY

(Freddy is sitting with War Dog at the bar)

Yorky!  Come and have a middy mate.

YORKY

G'day Freddy, how the fuck are ya mate? War Dog, how's things on the hole?

WAR DOG

(War Dog is drunk already and it's still only the afternoon.)

Not bad on it and not bad off it.

YORKY

How long have you blokes been here?

FREDDY

(Freddy has a good glow on already also.)

Since about 11. I knocked on ya door earlier and tried the knob but ya obviously weren't in so I've been havin' a few with War dog.

YORKY

Yeah, I had no work today either and I was bored shitless sittin' in mi room so I went for a walk down the street. What about you War Dog?

WAR DOG

No work. Sweet fuck-all mate! I haven't picked anything up for over a fucking week now. I can tell ya one thing for sure, it's starting to wear pretty fuckin' thin.

FREDDY

Hey Yorky.Have ya seen that nurse since the last time we spoke?

YORKY

Funny you should say that mate. I just had a cuppachino with her at the dagos' shop.

FREDDY

Are ya makin' any progress with her?

WAR DOG

(Jumps into the conversation quickly before Yorky can answer)

Fuck me dead, what are you chasing this time, ya pommy bastard? I know it's bound to be pussy but what color is it, black or white?

YORKY

(Takes a couple of swigs from his glass)

Very fuckin' funny War Dog. Don't you ever have anything positive to say mate?

WAR DOG

As far as you and pussy go, what is there to say that's positive? In all the time I've known ya, ya still haven't got ya self a root.

YORKY

Yeah well it's not for the lack of trying mate, and while we're at it, I don't see too many sheilas hanging around you War Dog.

WAR DOG

I'm not chasing any, that's why.

YORKY

Ya not chasing any War Dog because of ya crook knees. the only thing that you'd catch is some poor old geriatric in a fuckin' wheel chair!

    (This little joke gave Freddy a good laugh, so much so, that he nearly spat his beer out.) 

WAR DOG

Let's see if you're in as good a shape as me when ya get my age, ya pommy bastard.

YORKY

We can War Dog. The only snag is, when I'm your age, you'll be six fucking feet under. You won't be around to see it mate.

WAR DOG

Fuck you ya smart-arsed pommy bastard

YORKY

Yeah and fuck you too War Dog!

WAR DOG

I have been. Shake hands with ya dad!

  (With this joke of War Dogs', Yorky manages to keep a straight face. Freddy, on the other hand, is having a great old laugh which pissed off War Dog.)

WAR DOG

Why am I drinkin' with you two fuckin' yobos when I could be having an interesting conversation with someone at Twitcheys?

     (With that said, War Dog downs his middy, gets up off his bar stool.)

Fuck you two dick-heads!

(As War Dog is leaving the bar, Yorky shouts out)

     

YORKY

Hey War Dog, it's your round mate.

WAR DOG

Shove it up ya Kaiber Pass ya fuckin' dingbat!

FREDDY

Well, you've done it again Yorky mate. I wish I could think things up as fast as you.

YORKY

Ya probably could if ya had to live my life Freddy.

FREDDY

No thanks mate. I'll stick to mi own.

________________

YORKY (V/O)

     The next three days seemed like three weeks as I waited for Thursday night to roll around. I had arranged to meet Nancy outside the Dagos' shop after her shift had finished. I'd hosed down the old A55 and cleaned up the inside. Apart from a crook engine, she didn't look too bad.

     One of Nancys' work mates dropped her off at the corner of the main street. I got out of the car and walked up the street to meet her.

YORKY

(Nancy is walking towards Yorky)

G'day, how are ya?

NANCY

Pretty good Yorky. How are you?

YORKY

Great! Did ya have a heavy shift?

NANCY

No, not really. A couple of patients went home today so there wasn't as much work to do which was quite welcome. I need to get some smokes from the cafe. D'ya mind waiting a minute?

YORKY

Not at all love, I'll come in with ya.

(They enter cafe)

  (As they walk in the Dagos' shop, Sammy is cleaning off a few tables. As soon as he sees them, he drops the cloth into the soapy bowl and walks over to serve them. The look on his face is not very welcoming and the tone of his voice is quite flat when he says....)

SAMMY

What can I get ya?

NANCY

G'day Sammy. How are ya?

SAMMY

I'm alright. What d'ya need?

NANCY

Ya don't sound too good Sammy. Ya had a hard day?

SAMMY

Yeah, I've been stock-taking all day and re-stocking the shelves.

NANCY

Ah well, a good night's rest'll do ya good eh?

SAMMY

Yeah, I suppose so.

     (It's obvious that Sammy isn't going to say G'day to Yorky)

YORKY

How's business mate? Ya been busy apart from stock-taking?

SAMMY

So-so!

(Sammy make his way around the counter.)

So what d'ya need?

NANCY

Give us a pack of Styvesants.

YORKY

Yeah, and give me a pack of Camels while ya at it mate.

     (Nancys' smokes are put on the counter in front of her. Yorkys' are casually thrown on the counter to the side of him.)

SAMMY

What are you up to tonight Nancy?

NANCY

Me and Yorky are off for a cruise around town for something to do. I just finished work and I need a bit of relaxation before going home.

SAMMY

Ya could've asked me. We could have gone out to the Common again.

NANCY

Well how sweet of you Sammy but I arranged to go with Yorky last time we were in here.

SAMMY

Ya wanna be careful that old bomb of his doesn't break down.

     

YORKY

Does that mean you're offering us a loan of your new station wagon Sammy?

SAMMY

Not bloody likely mate. You'd probably run it into the Lake!

NANCY

Oh I don't think Yorky's that bad a driver, are ya?

YORKY

Nah. I've driven Semi-trailers full of wheat. A little 8-cylinder station wagon shouldn't be much of a problem.

(Sammys' mood darkens by the minute.)

YORKY

Shall we take off?

NANCY

Yeah, why not.

As Yorky and Nancy turn to go out, she says to Sammy,)

NANCY 

Get a good nights rest Sammy. You'll feel a lot better tomorrow.

SAMMY)

Yeah, right. 

(Sammy turns around and heads towards the kitchen.)

 (They're walking towards the car, Yorkys' mind started to re-run what Sammy had said at the counter)

SAMMY (flash back)

'You could have asked me. We could have gone out to the Common again.' 

YORKY (V/O)

So it's true! The dago bastard wasn't lying when he said he took her out to the Common and rooted her in the back of his station-wagon!  Fuck it! I'm not gonna' be the idiot I was on the Showground
with Christine the stripper and end up with mi dick in mi hand. Here I am, almost 18 and the only relationship I'd had so far was with 'Mrs. Palm and her five daughters and one of those was a fatty!

(Once they were in the car, they light up some smokes and drive off up the main street.)

NANCY

Poor Sammy, he was feeling a bit under the weather tonight. I hope he's alright and not coming down with something.

YORKY

Oh I wouldn't worry about that. He's probably got a lot on his plate what with the cafe business and a pregnant wife.

YORKY (V/O)

If the truth be known, what I would have liked to have said was 'Fuck that slimy dago bastard. I hope he falls through his arsehole and hangs himself!'

(Yorky drives around town for a while. They finally park up at the Lakeside. 

NANCY

(She stares out of the windscreen, across the Lake.)

Isn't that a beautiful glow.

YORKY

Yeah, it's very romantic. 

(Yorky remembering some old black and white movies he'd seen of couples parked up looking at a similar scene. The moon was now getting higher in the night sky, as they sit there, which caused the reflective light on the water to diminish quite a bit.)

Would ya like to drive out to the Common for awhile? The moon will probably be a lot brighter out there, away from the town lights.

NANCY

Yeah why not. I love it out there. There's something about that place that gives off a peaceful feeling.

YORKY (V/O)

     We drive out to the Common, mostly in silence. I, for one, was thinking about what was going to happen. Nancy was a pretty decent sort of sheila but the fact that she rooted a dago colored my thinking in one way only.  How was I going to git a root out of her?

     It didn't take long to reach our destination. Once there, I looked for a somewhat secluded space where no one could see the car and we could still see the moon. My plan of action was first, to have a bit of a kiss and a cuddle and then slowly make mi way down to the jackpot! The kissing and cuddling part seemed to be going quite well as Nancy responded in a warm and affectionate way.

     I had put a lot of thought into this plan of action of mine. Instead of putting mi hand straight on her knee, I slid mi hand down her back and slowly rubbed the top part of her butt cheek, whilst still giving her a big, long snog!

YORKY (V/O)

     The voice in mi head told me I was making good progress so I allowed mi hand to slide down a bit further till I was actually squeezing her arse cheek. There was a lot of sexual tension starting to build up on the front seat of mi old car now. I slowly slid mi hand down further to the top part of her thigh and gently squeezed it. My mind, by this time, was at least a couple of steps in front of mi hand. So far no problem at all. Slowly, I inched mi hand up the outside of her thigh and down to the inside warm, soft part.

'You'd better not move too fast now.' 'Keep ya hand there for a while until she gets used to it.'

     This was the closest I'd ever gotten to a root in mi life. Once false move now and it could all be over! Patience, as a young man, was not one of my virtues. Ignoring the mind, I slid mi had a little further up the inside of her thigh. By my reckoning, I only had about another four inches  to go before I would get mi first feel of the 'elusive prize'!

YORKY  (V/O)

'Old War Dog won't be able to take the piss out of ya after tonight. This is gonna stop his bullshit in its tracks.'

(No sooner had that thought come up, I felt a warm hand on top of mine which proceeded to slide my hand back down to her knee. The next emotion I felt was great disappointment, mixed with a good dose of anger. 'Fuck me Rome', I thought as mi hand was back where it started. 'What the fuck went wrong? This part of the game was not in the plan. My hand was supposed to be heading up, not

down!' )

After trying several more times to reach a higher part of her thigh, with no luck at all,  Yorky stops kissing her.)

YORKY

Let's have a smoke.

(Once the smokes were going Yorky just sits there quietly looking out of the windscreen, not knowing what to do or say. His mind was now racing around at top speed, telling him that he wouldn't get a fuck in a brothel with a wallet-full of money. Yorky decides to confront Nancy about the nights lack of progress.  He's just about to say something when she speaks first.)

NANCY

Ya don't seem too happy, is something wrong?

YORKY

(Yorky blurts out, not being able to hide his anger and disappointment.)

You've got to be fucking joking! I thought we came out here for a good time.

NANCY

I thought we WERE having a good time? 

(She says with a surprised look on her face.)

YORKY

We were, till you put the kibosh on it!

NANCY

What d'ya mean by that?

YORKY

You know what I mean. I thought we were gonna go all the way. I wasn't planning to drive out here just for a kiss and a cuddle!

NANCY

What were you planning then?

YORKY 

(Yorky is feeling awkward and doesn't know how to express himself.)

You know. 

NANCY

Do you mean you were planning on having sex with me?

YORKY

Well seeing as you mention it, why not?

NANCY

Because I thought we were just driving out here for something to do and maybe a bit of kissing and petting.

YORKY

Oh bullshit Nancy! Ya get in mi car and agree to drive out here at this time of night and when we get out here all ya wanna do is kiss and cuddle, which I don't mind as long as it leads somewhere!

NANCY

I just don't understand why you think I'm that type of girl?

    

YORKY

Sammy!

NANCY

What about Sammy?

YORKY

I got the idea from Sammy. He said you drove out here with him and he rooted ya in the back of his station wagon. I got to thinking, if you rooted a fucking dago, what's wrong with givin' me one?

NANCY

Fuck you!!  Sammy is a lying sack a' shit. I never let him go that far.

(Yorky is surprised at her outburst. )

YORKY

What reason would he have to lie to me for?

NANCY

I don't know and I don't fucking care. I never rooted him!

YORKY

But you admit ya let him get, at least, as far as I got?

NANCY

I don't believe I'm hearing this. How far I let a man go is my business and my business alone!

YORKY

Alright then, If ya didn't go all the way with him and ya certainly didn't go all the way with me then you're nothin' but a prick teaser!

NANCY

Ya know what, you're a real fucking bastard Yorky. Even if I did root Sammy, which I didn't, why should I root you?

YORKY

Well, for one thing mi balls are swollen and sore. I suppose a fuck is right out of the question now is it?

(Said half-jokingly!

NANCY

Your swollen testicles are your problem, not mine. And yes, a fuck, as you call it, is right out of the question!

YORKY

So, you're gonna' sit there and tell me that it never occurred to you that I'd try to git a root our of ya?

NANCY

Yeah! That's what I'm telling ya.

YORKY

I don't believe ya. It must have, at least, crossed ya mind?

NANCY

Don't tell me what crosses my mind. You need to take care of your own fucking sick mind!

YORKY

You're trying to tell me that all of this, that's goin' on, is all my fault and nothing to do with you at all?

NANCY

Yeah, that's right. And while we're at it, take me home!

YORKY

Ya know what Nancy? It takes two to tango and since it's pretty obvious we're not gonna' tango, ya can fuckin' walk home! Git out of my car ya prick-teasing bitch!

NANCY

I beg your pardon, did I just hear right? You're gonna' make me walk home?

YORKY

Right, first time! Either cock it up or start walking. Maybe you'll think twice before conning another mug into your little romantic game!

(Yorky leans across her knees and opens the catch on the car door,  Sound of creaking when door opens on a rusty hinge.)

NANCY

You're serious aren't you?

YORKY

Yeah, mi sore balls and your sore feet will make a good match. Now get out before I fuckin' drag ya out!

NANCY

(In a panicked voice)

What if I get lost?

YORKY

Just follow the dirt track. It'll come out this side of the bitumen. Make a left and you'll be home in no time!

(Nancy gets out of the car. She slams the door, defiantly, so hard, the window-winder ends up on the floor Viewed in the rearview mirror, Nancy disappears in a cloud of bull-dust.)

____________________________________

    

(Yorky heads down the corridor to his room in the Hotel. Yorky is about to go inside when Freddy come out from his room with a can of beer in his hand.)

YORKY

Where ya off to Freddy?

FREDDY

G'day Yorky, how are ya mate?

YORKY

Where ya goin'?

FREDDY

I was off to War Dogs' room to see if he wanted a beer.

YORKY

Ah fuck him Freddy, grab a couple of tinnies and come to my room mate. It'll be more fun!

FREDDY

Ya wanna come in my room mate?

YORKY

Have ya cleaned it up yet?

FREDDY

Not yet, I'm still thinking about it.

YORKY

I think my room might be a bit more comfortable mate.

FREDDY

Yeah, I guess ya right. I was never much of a housekeeper, at the best of times.

FREDDY

Ya just got back from ya date with that hot nurse?

YORKY

Yeah, I'll tell ya all about it over a beer.

   

FREDDY

Alright Yorky mate, give us the skinny on ya big night out.

(Yorky and Freddy sitting in Yorkys room talking)

FREDDY

Fuck me blind Yorky mate, you're fair dinkum aren't ya. Ya really kicked the prick-teaser out and made her walk home?

YORKY

Fuckin' oath mate.

FREDDY

Ya reckon if we sat on Giltraps steps for half hour or so we'd probably see her walking down the main street at some point?

YORKY

Guaranteed mate, but I've seen enough of her for one night. In fact, I'm not lookin' forward to seeing her again.

_________

    ( The way I related the story of my night out with Nurse Nancy was extremely funny but after Freddy left and I laid down on mi bed, in the privacy of mi room, it was time to get more truthful 

with miself.)

YORKY (V/O)

     All my life I've always been able to bullshit and exaggerate a good story. That said, I've never been able to bullshit and lie to miself. I decided to start the post-mortem of my dead relationship with Nurse Nancy from the very beginning, which of course started off with, I now believed was, a fuckin' lie told to me by Sammy the fuckin' dago.

     Tomorrow I would confront the dago bastard and get to the truth of the matter. Tonight, it was my responsibility. My first thought was why I felt pangs of guilt for the way I acted. Had Sammy not told me he rooted her I would have seen Nancy in a much different light. Knowing myself pretty well, I would have probably asked her to go to dinner with me at George and Marys' Cafe. If I had gone that route I would've seen her as a potential girlfriend instead of a 'root and a dump'.

     That was my first mistake and lesson. I needed to learn to never believe a word anyone ever tells me without doing what I could to verify the truth. I was still too fucking naive where women were concerned.

     I thought about what my mother taught me as a boy. 'Never disrespect women son. Only weak men do things like that'. Thinking about her words, I felt like a weak piece of shit who had let down my mother, Nancy and myself.

     That left me feeling really guilt-ridden and not too proud of what I had done. I tried to justify my behavior by telling myself, 'serve the bitch right for agreeing to go out to the Common with me. What else did she expect?'

     That little feel good thought didn't quite get off the ground as another voice said, 'Yeah, that's what rapist and murderers say in their defense, when they're caught!' It didn't take long for me to abandon that line of defense, not to mention the fact that it made me feel worse.

(INNER VOICE  V/O)

     'What about the two beers I had before I met her tonight? Before I could even get to the end of that thought, another thought said, 'Ya not gonna' try and blame a couple of beers on what happened tonight are ya? If that's the case, you should stop drinkin' grog. 'What about her responsibility? That's her problem, not yours. Don't try and dump the blame on her.'

     'Why don't ya just cut ya dick off? Problem solved!' 'Why don't you git fucked!', said mi dick. 'Besides being the stupidest thought you've ever had, you'll have to sit down for a piss and ya know what that means don't ya? No more tryin' to sign ya name on the piss house wall before ya run out a' piss!' All in all, the obvious made itself as clear as crystal to me. There was no other legitimate option but to do my best to meet up with her again and apologize for my behavior, especially the walking home part.

(Yorky turns out the light and goes to bed.)

YORKY  (V/O)

Oh Jesus, my balls are so swollen and sore. Now what? 

INNER VOICE (V/O)

Oh shut the fuck up! You're nothin' but a whingin', pommy bastard. Just flog ya maggot and be done with it! It won't be the first time'. The way you're goin' about this girl-friend situation, it looks like it won't be the last. Good Night!'

________________

 

 (Next morning, Yorky takes off down the street to have it out with Sammy the dago. Yorky walks into the cafe. Sammy is no where to be seen. Yorky makes his way to the kitchen area at the back of the room.  Jimmy Xmas is putting a couple of eggs on some toast.)

YORKY

G'day Jimmy. How are ya mate?

JIMMY XMAS

Not-a the bad Yorky mate. What can I do you for? You want-a the eggs for the breakfast? You make them for yourself. You know where everything is.

YORKY

Thanks, but no thanks Jimmy. Is Sammy around?

JIMMY XMAS

How I supposed to know where-a that lazy bastard is? Maybe he hiding out-a the back somewhere. All I know is Jimmy the Xmas, he get-a left all-a the time to do-a all of the work. You go out-a the back and look-a for him yourself.  Jimmy the Xmas, he eat-a the breakfast now while he still have-a the time.

YORKY

Thanks Jimmy.

__________________________________

(Yorky walks through the kitchen to the outside back area. Outside, he finds Sammy hosing out a couple of containers)

YORKY

Hey Sammy.

(Sammy looks up.)

You and me need a bit of a natter mate!

(Sammy realizes from the tone of his voice that he was not in best of moods.)

SAMMY

I don't have time now mate. I've got a lot of work to do today.

YORKY

No worries mate, I'll  just talk while you work. It's about Nancy!

(Soon as Yorky mentions Nancy, Sammy straightens up)

SAMMY

Not here mate. It's too close to my living quarters, the missus might hear. Over here, it's a bit more private. So what d'ya want?

YORKY

You fuckin' lied to me about Nancy mate! You told me ya rooted her out at the Common, the other night.

SAMMY

Bullshit! I did root her on the back seat just as I told ya'!

YORKY

You're a fuckin' lyin' sack a' shit Sammy. All she gave ya was a kiss and a cuddle!

SAMMY

Nah mate. She gave me a root.

YORKY

Fuckin' bullshit Sammy!

SAMMY

How do you know what she gave me? You weren't there!

YORKY

I didn't have to be there sport! I did the next best thing, I asked her. She said you're a lyin' dago bastard. Ya never rooted her!

SAMMY

Well of course she's gonna' say that. She's not gonna' admit that to you is she? Anyway, why d'ya have to go and tell her what I said?

YORKY

Because she wouldn't give me a root mate, when I tried it on with her last night.

SAMMY

Ah, that's because she likes me better than you, ya pommy bastard.

YORKY

So ya still claim that you rooted her mate? Well, try this on for size. One of the last things she said to me before I kicked her out of the car and made her walk home was that you've slandered her name and she's coming down to the Cafe to have it out with ya. If ya still persist in claiming ya rooted her, she's gonna' complain to ya missus.

 (Sammy is rattled at this statement!)

SAMMY

Bullshit, she wouldn't dare!"

YORKY

Look at my face Sammy, unlike you, I'm not a fuckin' liar!

SAMMY

Did you really make her walk home?

YORKY

Yeah, we drove out to the Common and parked up for awhile. Once it was obvious to me that she wasn't goin' to give me a root, I asked her why she rooted you, and what was wrong with giving me one!

SAMMY

Oh fuck! What the fuck am I gonna' do now? What if she really does come down to the cafe and wants to see Christina?

YORKY

Ya got a root out of her, or so you say. I guess you'll have to face the consequences.

SAMMY

Fuck that for a joke, Christina will hit the fuckin' roof, all for a snog and a cuddle!

YORKY

What d'ya mean a snog and a cuddle? That's what I got. You got a good, old-fashioned root off her.

SAMMY

No, I didn't!

YORKY

Yeah, ya did Sammy! That's what you told me anyway.

SAMMY

I was bullshittin' ya mate.

YORKY

Ya mean ya were fucking lyin' your arse off to me. Big notin' ya self just to put ya self one rung on the ladder above me?

SAMMY

Nah mate, it's called bullshittin'.

YORKY

No it's fuckin' not Sammy! Bullshit only lasts for a short time and then ya admit ya bullshitted and everyone has a good laugh. You outright lied to me with a straight face and now you're in the shit big time sport!

SAMMY

Fuck me dead Yorky mate! What an I gonna' do now? Will you lie for me if she comes to the cafe and tell Christina that you made it all up?

YORKY

Jeezus Sammy, you're a real piece a fuckin' work aren't ya! First up, ya tell me a big, fuckin' lie and now ya want me to lie for ya so you don't get in the shit with ya missus! Have you any fucking idea how much shit I'm in with Nancy now, based on your fuckin' lies mate? I treated her worse than a bloody whore. Whores get paid and I never even offered her a brass razoo. Plus, I threw her out a the car and called her a fuckin' prick teaser!

 (Sammy is stunned and is close to tears as he contemplates the situation he now finds himself in.)

SAMMY

It's alright for you, Yorky mate. You're single. Ya don't have a wife to answer to.

YORKY

Oh Sammy, you're not tryin' to put the blame on mi for all of this bullshit drama are ya?

SAMMY

No, no mate. I'm fuckin' panicking! What the fuck am I gonna do?

 YORKY

I don't know mate. That's your problem. My problem was believing you, ya lyin' bastard. I'm not blaming you for what happened. I admitted my part in it to miself last night when I got home but I'll tell ya one thing for sure mate, I'll never believe another fuckin' word you tell me, unless I check it out for miself. When push comes to shove, you pretty much fucked up our friendship sport!

SAMMY

Don't be like that Yorky. It's times like this that a bloke needs a good mate!

YORKY

Good mates bullshit Sammy but they don't drop their mate in the shit with outrageous fuckin' lies!

SAMMY

Yeah mate, I know you're right but that doesn't help me does it? What d'ya think I should do now?

YORKY

Let me ask ya a question mate. Do you ever think of anyone else other than ya self?  My feeling is, if ya did, ya wouldn't have let the lie stand for so long, without tellin' me the truth.

SAMMY

Yeah, yeah, ya fuckin' right again Yorky. The missus is always telling me what a selfish bastard I am.  I guess the possibility of fuckin' up mi marriage is proving her right. Yorky mate, I apologize to ya. I was jealous of ya because you're single and can hit up the sheilas' any time ya like and my single life is over since I got married.

YORKY

So why d'ya get married in the first place, if ya like chasing sheilas so much?

SAMMY

I had to get married mate. Christina was in the family way and if ya get a greek girl pregnant ya gotta marry her or die!"

     

YORKY

Alright Sammy this is what I'm gonna' do mate. I'm gonna' find out what shift Nancy's on and what time she finishes. Then I'm gonna' drive up to the hospital and wait for her to come out. If I can get

within 10 feet of her, I'm gonna' apologize for being an immature, mongrel bred, pommy bastard.

SAMMY

Would ya consider puttin' in a good word for me while ya at it mate?

YORKY

No fuckin' way! I'll tell her that you admitted to me that you were lying and you're not going to repeat the story again!

SAMMY

Good on ya Yorky. You're a bloody good mate. I won't make the same mistake again, that's for fuckin' sure. Just the thought of Christina finding out I fucked around on her almost makes mi puke with fear! Ya can't imagine what her father would do to me if he ever found out I disgraced his only daughter. Cutting my nuts off would be a fuckin' blessing!

YORKY

That's a bit heavy duty isn't it mate?

SAMMY

Not if ya ever met him. To say he has a connection to the Greek underworld would be a bloody understatement, if ya know what I mean!

 _______________ 

(Yorky decides to talk to Nancy. He's waiting in his car for Nancy to walk out the hospital door. He sees Nancy and gets out of his car and heads over to her direction. As he gets within speaking distance of her, Nancy sees him.)

NANCY

I don't believe what I'm seeing! What are you doing here? Looking for a root and dump, or a one-way ticket to the Common? Get out of my sight. If I ever see you again in my life, it will be too bloody soon!

YORKY

Nancy, I just need a couple of minutes of your time. I'd like to apologize for my behavior the other night.

NANCY

Well goody-goody for you! Now ya can piss off back to the rock ya crawled out from under!

YORKY

Nancy, give me a minute and let me explain.

NANCY

Why? So you can feel good about ya self again?

YORKY

Listen, I accept full responsibility for my actions. What a dick-head I was for treating you that way. I'd also like to say that I wasn't entirely to blame other than being stupid enough to listen to Sammys' lies about you.

NANCY

Don't mention that dago bastards name in my company. He's going to get a mouthful from me the next time I see him and I don't care whether his wife hears me or not!

YORKY

I went to confront him about his lies and eventually he admitted that he'd made most of it up."

NANCY

And that's supposed to make everything better is it?

YORKY

No, no way. I'm just lettin' ya know, he's shittin' himself that you're gonna tell his missus.

NANCY

So he should be! By the time I'm finished with him, he won't be slandering anymore women's names.

     

YORKY

Once again, I'm really sorry I treated ya like shit. It won't happen again.

NANCY

Ya not wrong there Yorky. It won't ever happen again, I can assure you of that. Oh, before I go, let me give you a something to think about. I really liked you when I first met you and I was actually thinking that if we got on together, after some time, we could have had a physical relationship but that's totally out a the question now. Ya well and truly blew that!

YORKY

Yeah, I understand Nancy. I guess being friends is also not gonna' happen eh?

NANCY

I don't think so. Ya know what, I gotta' go. I don't have any more time for you!

(Nancy finishes what she wants to say to Yorky and turns away, walks over to the car where her friend had been waiting for her.)

_________________________

(Yorky's sitting on his bed in his hotel room. There's a knock on the door.)

 

FREDDY

Yorky? Ya in there mate?

YORKY

Yeah Freddy. It's open. Come in.

FREDDY

How are ya' Yorky mate? How did the meeting with ya hot nurse go?

YORKY

Just as I expected, up to shit bonza! She was really pissed off.

FREDDY

 Never mind mate. There's plenty more fish in the sea.

YORKY

Well Freddy, if we lived on the coast that might be the case, but the fact is we live in the Bush where there's a definite lack of water and a sad lack of pussy!

FREDDY

Yeah, I guess ya right Yorky mate. Anyways, who wants to fuck a fish. Let's go and have a beer sport. That'll cheer ya up!