Sunday, April 20, 2014

THE DAIRY FARM ~ SCRIPT FORM ©


  1. Photobucket
  2. (I’ve only been resting about an hour,
  3. when I hear Defoes’ loud Australian voice
  4. booming and echoing through the Army-style barracks.)
  5. DEFOE
  6. Get out of those fart sacks you pommy fucking bastards! It’s time to eat, that’s if you mummies little darlings are not too fucking tired! (As he walks down the line of beds he says;)
  7. Who the fucking hell took it upon themselves to clean up the fucking outer-dairy-yard without fucking asking first? Which one of you pack ‘a pommy bastards did it?
  8. YORKY
  9. I did. (in a nervous voice.)

  10. DEFOE
  11. What do you mean ‘I DID’, you little fucking pipsqueak? Who the fucking hell helped you?

  12. YORKY
  13. No one. I saw it hadn’t been done and it needed doing. I’m the one to blame.

  14. (Defoe strides down the shed and stands in front of me.)

  15. DEFOE
  16. Show me you hands.

  17. (I open mi hands. There are about 6 or 8 blisters on them.)

  18. I would not have believed it unless I saw it with mi own eyes. Perhaps I misjudged you, ya scrawny looking Pommy bastard. That's what I like to see.

  19. (He roars as he stands in front of me, looking back down the line. Then he turns to me.)

  20. Good lad, you’re going to make it in the bush. Now go outside and piss on your hands. That’ll heal your blisters and toughen ‘em up. Where’s that ugly little bastard called Morris, and that big curly-headed pufta called Dave? Ah, there you are. You two can take the little bastards job in the kitchen and if you can work as good as him I’ll git ya a job in the Bush. Now fucking move you limey bastards, ya dinners getting cold!


  21. (After the meal we all sit around a bit. Some of us talk and some of us write letters home to our families. At about 9 O’clock the lights in the large Nissan hut are turned out and we all try to get a good nights sleep.)

  22. (Early the next morning I can no longer rest so I get up and dress myself in mi work clothes ready for my first days work. Just for a joke I grab mi old trumpet from under the bed. I pop the locks, put the mouthpiece in, then with a great lung full of air I blow the morning Reveille.)

  23. BOY
  24. Oh shit! Put that fucking trumpet away Titch. It’s only 5 O'clock!

  25. (A few seconds later 2 or 3 pillows come flying across the room in my general direction. Then a large work-boot with a rubber heel bounces at my feet.)

  26. YORKY
  27. Alright boys. Just a little joke, but don’t let Defoe catch you in bed ‘cause he’s likely to do anything, you know.

  28. (At 6 O’clock we were all in the kitchen tucking into a large plate of lamb chops, eggs, bacon and toast and a tin mug of piping hot tea. Defoe comes into the kitchen, gets himself a large plate of breakfast, then disappears back outside again. After breakfast we all go back to our beds for an extra few minutes lay down while our big breakfast digests. It is not long before Defoes’ big, rough head appears in the doorway.)

  29. DEFOE
  30. Alright you Pommy fucking bastards, on your fucking feet. Time to go to work! Who blew that fucking trumpet this morning?

  31. YORKY
  32. I did.

  33. DEFOE
  34. Get it out and play me a tune, Squirt.

  35. (I pull out the trumpet and play Defoe a couple of Trad songs, then just for fun I play the theme music to the Lone Ranger. Defoe seems to love the trumpet and when I put it away he comes over and says)
  36. Why do you want to work on a farm in the bush ,squirt?

  37. YORKY
  38. ‘Cause I can’t get it out of mi head. Ever since I knew it was possible for me to come out here to Australia, that’s all I ever wanted to do.

  39. DEFOE
  40. I’ll get you a job in the Army Cadets and after that you’ll get bumped up to the regular Army. You’ll make real good money and you won’t have to go through any shit in the Army band. You could make yourself a real beaut career out‘a music, Squirt. So have a good think about it, alright?

  41. YORKY
  42. I can tell ya right now Mr. Defoe, I don’t want to join any Army band. I just want to get out to the Bush and work on a farm.

  43. DEFOE
  44. Just think about it.
  45. (He turns and walks out of the Nissan hut.)

  46. (That day we all busy ourselves milking cows, driving tractors, cleaning the place up and whatever jobs one generally does around a farm. In the afternoon Defoe says to us boys)

  47. DEFOE
  48. Can any of you lot ride a horse?
  49. (A couple of the boys raise their hands).
  50. Go and catch old Patches over there and saddle him up. You can all take turns in riding him. It’ll give you a bit of experience in case you need it some time.

  51. (Patches is a big, strong-looking black & white Gelding. One of the boys throws a saddle across him and is trying to do up the cinch.)

  52. DEFOE
  53. Not like that ya Pommy bastard!. Go back in the barn and get me a saddle blanket.

  54. (As soon as the boy returns, Defoe places the saddle blanket over old Patches back.Then he throw the Aussie Stock Saddle on the top of the blanket as he says,)
  55. Don’t forget to pull the far side stirrup iron over the saddle,’cause if ya don’t, when ya throw the saddle over him the stirrup iron will hit him under the guts and that’ll spook him and make him kick. This old horse has seen more Pommy bastards then any other horse alive in Australia today and he’s not particularly fond of ‘em. So watch him cause he’s not afraid of kicking and he doesn’t mind biting a piece of Pommy arse now and again. Once the saddle is in place, once you’ve got the cinch up tight, walk him around a bit because he’s a cunning old bastard. He’ll puff his belly out to make you believe the cinch is tight and when you go to mount him he’ll let the air out and you and the saddle will go arse over head in the dirt,OK? Now after you’ve walked him around a bit, if he still keeps his belly puffed out ya give him a real good swift kick in the guts like this.

  56. (Defoe kicks Patches right in the guts and in turn Patches kicks up both of his back legs high in the air and Defoe pulls hard on the cinch .)
  57. Now you’re ready to mount, so watch carefully or you’ll get bit on the arse. You always mount from the left-hand side, and make sure ya hold the far-side rein tight so he can’t bite ya. Ya put ya left foot in the stirrup and then ya swing ya leg up and over in one easy movement like this.

  58. DEFOE
  59. (Defoe is now looming above us as he sits astride Patches.)

  60. Ya give him a good, firm dig with the heel of ya boot, then away ya go, mate.
  61. (After he walks Patches around the yard for a while, he gets off.)
  62. Alright Squirt, hop on ‘im and have a go mate.

  63. (I’d only ever ridden a donkey on Blackpool Beach as a kid for sixpence a ride but I take a deep breath and with great determination I stride up to Patches who put his head down as soon as he sees me approach him.
  64. Grab those reins tight, Squirt! Pull on the far side one until he lifts his head up again!

  65. (As I pulled on the rein, Patches swung his massive head around and tried to bite my bony little arse.)
  66. Look out Squirt! The mean old bastard will have a piece of ya arse if ya not careful mate.”

  67. (All the boys laugh. Patches knows he’s the center of everyones attention, He swings his head around for another go at my arse.)
  68. That stirrup iron is too long for ya Squirt, so adjust the strap like his mate. That’s good enough mate. I’ll do the other side for ya.. Git up on him and watch out for the cunning old bastard. He’s likely to do anything. You got to be thinking one step ahead of that old bastard ‘cause if not, he’ll take over and run the fucking show on ya!

  69. (I mount Patches just like I’d seen on the cowboy shows. I give him a couple of good kicks with the heel of mi boots and Patches starts to walk around.)

  70. Good on ya Squirt.That’s the idea. He’s real hard in the mouth so you’ve got to ride him and show him who’s boss ‘cause if not he’ll take over. Oy! open that gate ya curly-headed pufta so the Squirt can go for a ride in the cow paddock.

  71. (Dave opens the gate and Patches and me ride through into the paddock.)

  72. Go down to the bottom of the paddock and keep ya wits about ya.

  73. (Down the sloping paddock me and Patches ride.)
  74. YORKY (VO)
  75. This is a piece of cake!
  76. (Cowboy Dick rides along with one arm down at his side.)
  77. What a great life it is, riding the Bush Range in Australia. Maybe I’ll get misen a job droving cattle around the Bush now that I can ride a horse.

  78. (We reach the bottom of the long paddock. I’m still fantasizing misen as a cowboy. I almost pull out one of mi imaginary six-guns that are slung low at mi hips. Just then Patches turns around, totally unexpected, and takes off back up the paddock at full speed. All I can do is hang on as mi new bush hat flies off mi head into nowhere. Faster and faster Patches gallops up the field. I’m shit-scared but at the same time the excitement of the gallop is amazing.)

  79. Oh oh! Now what do I do? 30 or 40 yards ahead of me is the barbwire fence where all the boys stand cheering and yahooing.

  80. DEFOE
  81. Ride the old bastard!

  82. BOYS
  83. Yahoo!


  84. (The fence now looms dangerously close and my fantasies are long gone. All of a sudden Patches applies the horse brakes and I see misen flying through the air, headlong over the fence. The next thing I remember is Defoe pulling me up onto mi feet. The back of mi head has a throbbing, dull ache in it and mi arse feels like someone has just kicked it with a size 10 boot.)
  85. DEFOE
  86. Jeesus bloody christ mate! What the fuck are ya playing at! You’re supposed to stop when the horse stops! You’ll bloody well hurt ya self getting off a horse that way. Now git back up on the old bastard and try it again.

  87. YORKY
  88. I don’t think I’m cut out for riding horses Mr. Defoe.

  89. DEFOE
  90. Fucking bullshit lad. You’ll make a fucking good jockey if ya stop eating. Now git back on him ‘cause if ya don’t you’ll end up scared of horses, and if ya scared of horses ya rooted for Bush life.

  91. (Someone catches Patches and hands me the reins. Defoe gives me a leg up.)

  92. Now watch the old bastard. He thinks he’s got it all over ya !

  93. (Defoe is absolutely right ‘cause as soon as we go through the gate into the paddock Patches refuses to go anywhere.)
  94. Give the rotten old bastard a decent kick in the guts!

  95. (The heel of my boots makes contact with Patches sides. He did not take a liking to this command, so he decides to buck. Up on his hind legs he stands. Then he goes down again and at the same time he kicks his back legs high in the air.)

  96. BOYS
  97. YaHoo! Ride him cowboy!

  98. DEFOE
  99. Show the bastard what you’re made of Pommy!

  100. (I give Patches another good command. Up and down he goes, kicking and bucking for his worth. My arse and knees are now feeling the pain as Patches continues to try to hurl me to the ground again.)

  101. Make the bastard go down the paddock again!

  102. (By sheer willpower I get old Patches to walk forwards and down the paddock again, only this time there are no cowboy fantasies playing around in my head, only the dull throbbing ache. When we get to the bottom of the paddock I am one step ahead of Patches. I now know what Defoe is trying to teach me. Instead of letting Patches run the show, I hold the reins in tight so he can’t have his head. After a few seconds I say to Patches in mi broad Yorkshire accent,)
  103. YORKY
  104. OK Patches, you fucking old bastard, this time I’m running the fucking show! Now move you Aussie bastard! Yahhhh!!!!”

  105. (Patches needs no command from my boot heel but I give him one anyway just to let him know who'se boss. Off we go at full gallop. I give him another good heel and for good measure I give him a hefty slap on his arse with mi right hand. Yah! I yelled at the top of mi voice as Patches thunders back up the long paddock. We pass my new Bush hat and for a split second I think I might lean down and snatch it from the ground like a Russian Cossack but dismiss the thought at once.)
  106. Yah!!!!

  107. (Up the paddock we gallop, the barb wire fence is now getting closer. As we get about 10 feet away from it, Patches applies the brakes and this time I lean back in the saddle and pull on the left hand rein with mi feet stuck out at the front. Patches does not like this at all so he gives a few good bucks to show his disapproval.)
  108. DEFOE
  109. You’ve got it all over him now, Squirt. Ride him back here so one these other puftas can show off his horsmanship!

  110. (I dismount and Patches swings his head around to bite my arse and gives me a look of disapproval)

  111. DEFOE
  112. Good on ya mate. We’ll make a fucking good Bushman out of you yet Squirt. Where ya from in England Mate?

  113. YORKY
  114. I’m from Yorkshire, Mr. Defoe.

  115. DEFOE
  116. Well, in that case mate, I’ll just call ya ‘Yorky’ from now on and you can call me Bill. We can do away with that Mr. Defoe bullshit, ‘cause you’ve earned it lad. Now ya can lean on the fence and watch Patches give that ugly little bastard Morris a good fucking workout. Come on Yorky.

  117. Come here Morris you ugly little fucking pufta! Up you fucking go mate and show us what ya made of!

  118. (It felt very strange at first to call him Bill, but before long, I start to feel what it was like to be called a man.)

  119. (That evening, after dinner, we hire a couple of taxis and go own to Cabramatta to check out the town. The Taxis arrive and we all pile in on top of each other. As we pull out of the farm Defoe appears.)

  120. DEFOE
  121. Keep ya fucking noses and cocks clean. I don’t want any of you pommy bastards coming home with a dose of clap. This is a fucking training farm not a fucking hospital! So, don’t go rooting around ‘cause there’s a few loose sheilas around Cabramatta. And don’t git in a fight with those bodgies and fucking widgies!
  122. Fucking puftas! (He says to himself as the taxi drives away.)


  123. GREEK TAXI DRIVER
  124. Where ya lika go?

  125. RALPH (Older boy)
  126. Drop us off where the action is.

  127. TAXI DRIVER
  128. Not a problem mate. We’re overloaded, so if ya see the cops keep ya heads down or I’ll lose mi license.

  129. (The Taxi Driver drops us off in Cabramattas’ main street. There’s not much happening so we buy some milkshakes and walk up and down the street looking in the shop windows. When we come to another café I go inside and buy misen 2 –2 oz. Packets of Havelock rolling tobacco. I can’t pass it up because it only costs 7 Aussie bob a packet. I see an Army Disposal store and I go in. I know exactly what I am looking for.)

  130. SHOPKEEPER
  131. G'day sport.What can I do for you mate?

  132. YORKY
  133. I’m looking for a sheath knife.

  134. SHOPKEEPER
  135. No worries mate, I’ve got sheath knives coming out the Yazoo. Have a Captain Cook at some ‘a these, sport. Ya bound to find a beauty in that case. Give us a holler if ya need some help.

  136. YORK
  137. I’ll take this one.

  138. SHOPKEEPER
  139. That’s a good-looking knife, sport.
  140. She’s got a beaut blade on her. That’ll set ya back 2 quid, mate.

  141. (I pay the man his 2 pounds which leaves me with 15 shillings to mi name)


  142. SHOPKEEPER
  143. Look after yourself mate and don’t get that knife tangled up with a ‘Dago’.

  144. YORKY
  145. What’s a Dago?

  146. SHOPKEEPER
  147. Christ, mate. Where the bloody hell have you been all ya life? Did ya just arrive on the last boat?

  148. YORKY
  149. Yes. I’ve only been in Australia for two days.


  150. SHOPKEEPER
  151. Gawd streuth mate! You pommys are coming out here younger every year. I suppose ya all work up at the Big Brothers dairy farm, do ya?

  152. YORKY
  153. Yeah. There’s 16 of us.

  154. SHOPKEEPER
  155. Well sport, a Dago is a greek and another name for ‘em is a ‘Grill’.

  156. YORKY
  157. Why d’ya call ‘em those names?

  158. SHOPKEEPER
  159. ‘Cause at the end of a days work they say ‘day go’ and most of them work the milk bars and they’re always grilling something or other. So that’s why they get the name ‘Grills’ from. Ya see sport? Now we’ve also got a lot of Italians in this great country of ours, so we call ‘em ‘Wops’ and the Abos are called ‘Bungs’ ‘cause if ya hit ‘em with the roo bar of the truck they make the sound ‘BUNG’. D’ya get it cobber?
  160. (he has a good laugh to himself)
  161. Now take you English gentlemen for example. In our country we don’t recognize your class system so we call you blokes ‘limeys’ or better still, ‘pommy bastards’ ‘cause you’ve got skin like pomegranates.
  162. (laughs again)

  163. YORKY
  164. Thanks for the information.

  165. SHOPKEEPER
  166. G'day sport, see ya around like a rissole.

  167. (We boys are sitting around on a couple of street benches outside the Post Office. It’s 9:30 at night. The year is 1964. The local kids are tearing up and down the streets in their hotted-up Holden cars. A couple of young girls are walking down the street in their stiletto-heeled boots and hiked-up skirts. They’re absorbed in conversation as they come near to the benches we’re sitting on.)
  168. PETER
  169. (One of the oldest of our crew.)
  170. Hello darlings. Where are you two lovelies going?

  171. GIRL 1
  172. Root ya fucking boot ya pommy bastard!

  173. PETER
  174. Charming, I must say.

  175. GIRL 2
  176. Fuck you, ya pommy bastard!

  177. BOY
  178. You’re a real charmer with the Ladies, Peter.

  179. GINGER
  180. How would you like to take those two home and introduce them to your mum?

  181. PETER
  182. Not bloody likely! I hope that’s not an example of the everyday Aussie chick.

  183. (It’s getting late so we call a taxi service and head back out to the Farm. We all pile out of the Taxis and pay off the driver.)

  184. RALPH
  185. Look what I found in Town!
  186. (Opens a brown paper bag and pulls out a small box of fireworks.)

  187. YORKY
  188. You’d better not set them off here Ralph or Defoe will kick your ass.

  189. RALPH
  190. Bullocks to Bill Defoe! There’s no bangers, there’s only Fizzers and Catherine
  191. Wheels.

  192. (Ralph walks over to the fence and stuck a couple of Fountains in the cracks of the
  193. fence post. Then he pins 4 Cathrine Wheels to the fence post and lights them all at once.)


  194. RALPH
  195. That’s it, the shows over! Let’s go to bed. I’m knackered and tomorrow we’ve got to get up at 5.


  196. THE NEXT MORNING

  197. DEFOE
  198. Get out of those fart sacks you pommy bastards. Who the fucking hell was setting off fireworks last night?

  199. RALPH
  200. (Pulling the bed covers off his head.)
  201. I was. Why? What do you want, shouting your head off at this time of night?

  202. DEFOE
  203. Get out-a bed you fucking yobo before I piss all over ya!
  204. (He grabs Ralphs’ bed covers and rips them clean off the bed revealing Ralphs’ scrawny body curled up in the fetal position.)
  205. Get ya plates of meat on the deck, boy, before I chuck a bucket of water on ya!


  206. RALPH
  207. What’s the matter?

  208. DEFOE
  209. I’ll show you what the bloody matter is sport! Put ya boots on and come with me!

  210. RALPH
  211. What about mi clothes?

  212. DEFOE
  213. Fuck ya clothes! You’ve got fuck all to brag about anyway! Come on! Hurry up!

  214. (Ralph puts is boots on and follows Defoe out of the hut. He walks over to the fence post where Ralph had set off the fireworks. We all follow outside.)

  215. (I see what made Defoe mad. Gray smoke is drifting out of the wooden fence post. The whole top of the post is now a large piece of black charcoal.)

  216. RALPH
  217. OH SHIT!!!!!

  218. DEFOE
  219. Ya stupid, fucking pommy bastard! Look what you’ve done to mi fence post! Had ya have done that in dry bush country we’d have a bloody bush fire on our hands now mate! If ya had another brain in your head, lad, it would be fucking lonely, ya silly yahoo bastard! Go and get ya strides on and after breakfast I’ll show ya where the fence posts are kept. Ya can dig that bastard out and stick a new one in. Then I’ll show ya how to re-strain the fence back up!

  220. (Ralph is standing in his boots and underpants, looking half-asleep so Defoe kicks him in the arse,)

  221. Wake up to yourself, ya sleepy, pommy bastard. Go and get some gear on!

  222. (Ralph gives Defoe a dirty look and takes off at the double, back to the hut to put his work gear on.)



  223. (A few days later Defoe gives 6 of the older boys 5 pounds each
  224. and a train ticket to a Bush town.)
  225. DEFOE
  226. The Cocky will meet ya at the station. Good luck lads’. This is Gods’ own country and with a bit of hard work and a few brains ya should do all right for ya selves.

  227. (Later, after all the boys, except Morris and me, have left.)

  228. YORKY
  229. What about me and Morris, Bill? Haven’t ya got a place for us to go to yet?

  230. DEFOE
  231. Ya sure ya won’t change ya mind about going in the Army?

  232. YORKY
  233. Quite sure Bill. I’m itching to get out to the Bush. I’ve been looking forwards to that for 2 years now.

  234. DEFOE
  235. Alright mate. Ya old enough to leave home so I guess ya old enough to make decisions for ya self. You and Morris will be leaving tomorrow morning, so better roll ya swag bright and early.


  236. (It is difficult for me to sleep,‘cause all I can think of is red dust and kangaroos. In the morning I am packed, so I make my way across to the kitchen for some breakfast.)

  237. DEFOE (Enters Nissan hut)
  238. Here’s ya ticket Morris and 5 quid for ya start in life. Here’s your ticket Yorky and here’s a fiver mate. Make sure you look after it, ‘cause you’ll have to work bloody hard in the Bush for a fiver.

  239. YORKY
  240. Thanks Bill. You’re a real good bloke. You’ve really helped me a lot since I’ve been here.

  241. DEFOE
  242. Root ya boot Yorky. Ya train leaves at 2 O’clock from Sydney Central so don’t go fucking around Sydney and miss ‘em or you’ll be sleeping on the station all night.

  243. (The jackaroos load our cases into his car and drive us both down to Cabramatta station.)


  244. SYDNEY CENTRAL TRAIN STATION

  245. (Morris and I sit around smoking and eating chips waiting for our trains. The train Morris was to take arrived on time and I helped him put his 2 large bags on board.)
  246. YORKY
  247. Look after yourself Maurice. Keep practicing with your knife and best of luck to you

  248. MORRIS
  249. Same to you Yorky.
  250. (Goes inside train to find his seat.

  251. (There is no one left in my life now to say “don’t do this” or “don’t do that’. All I have to listen to now is the inner voice of silence that lives in the center of my heart.)

  252. (I’m left sitting on Central Station by myself, feeling rather sad as I sit here thinking about all the people I’ve left behind, mi mother, dad and sisters, the 15 lads I’ve lived with for the past 9 weeks, Bill Defoe. They are in the dead past now. ‘O well’ I’m thinking, as I wipe away a couple of tears that are slowly trickling down mi cheek, ‘all I’m left with is what I started out with, myself’