ROMANCING NURSE NANCY...NOT!!! ©

ROMANCING NURSE NANCY
....NOT!!!    ©

     My two favorite haunts in Lake Cargelligo were Gilltraps and the Dagos' shop. Gilltraps provided me with work as that is where laboring and shearing were to be found. The Dagos' shop is where I could get a feed and the most amount of socializing, taking into account that Lake Carigelligo was a small Bush town.

     On this particular occasion, I was sat in the Dagos' shop with a good-size T-bone steak sat in front of me. A couple of eggs and extra chips turned the meal into a good Bush feed.

     Jimmy Xmas's latest addition to his staff was a Dago called Sammy, who had been working there for a couple of months. Sammy was not your everyday, garden variety Dago, who spoke with a thick greek accent. He had been educated in the Aussie school system since he was 7 years old. He was 25 now. He had the standard black hair and permanent 5 O'clock shadow. His wife was 22. She was quite short with dyed blonde hair which looked really strange, owing to her black eyebrows, plus the fact that she was 7 months pregnant. The icing on the cake was a 3 year old son who could be described, in no other way than a spoiled, tantrum-throwing brat!

SAMMY

G'day Yorky.

(Sammy sits himself down at the booth.)

 How are ya mate?

YORKY

Not too bad Sammy. How are you?

SAMMY

How's the feed?

YORKY

Pretty good mate.

SAMMY

Good. I cooked it 'specially for you.

YORKY

Well, good on you Sammy. I appreciate that mate.

 (Cafe door opens and a pretty, good-looking sort walks up to the counter.)

SAMMY

Jeezus.

(Sammy gets up from the table, in such a hurry, that he knocks over the dregs of Yorkys'  cuppachino. 

Sorry about that Yorky mate. I'll get ya another in a minute.

(Although Sammy was an Aussie citizen, he still had the greasy ways of a Dago which was on full display now, as he slid behind the counter, wearing his best Dago smile.)

Nancy, how are ya love? What can I git for ya today?

NANCY

Give us a pack of Styvesants and a box of Redheads.

SAMMY

No worries love. How's the nursing job going?

NANCY

Pretty good.

SAMMY

Ya still like nursing eh?

NANCY

I love the nursing part but the hours can be a bit of a drag at times.

(Nancy gives him a smile and makes her exit.)

YORKY

(Sammy brings Yorky another coffee)

Who's that?

SAMMY

(Sammy sits down opposite Yorky in the booth and lights up a cigarette.)

Nurse Nancy.

YORKY

Where d'ya know her from mate?

SAMMY

She comes in here a lot for smokes and milkshakes. Pretty good-looking Sheila, eh mate?

(Nurse Nancy was quite pretty. She had a decent size rack, slim waist, good-lookin' legs and a well-rounded arse that was not too big. 

_________________

(Yorky finishes his meal and leaves the cafe. He walks up the street to Gilltraps. Freddy is sitting on the steps finishing off a middy.)

FREDDY

How are ya Yorky mate?

YORKY

Not bad Freddy, how are you?

FREDDY

Bored fucking shitless sport. There's fuck all to do in the Lake when ya not workin'.

YORKY

Ya not wrong there Freddy. 

FREDDY

Come and have a beer with me mate. I hate drinkin' on mi own.

YORKY

I just had a big feed mate. Where's War Dog? He's always up for a beer.

FREDDY

Oh he's up at Keith Charmers' place fuckin' around with an old motor that he's doin' up for sale. Come on mate, just one round.

(Inside the bar Yorky and Freddy are seated at the bar.  Freddy cheers up. Yorky tells  him about going goat shooting with Sammy, the Dago.)

YORKY

Ya wanna' come with us mate? I'm sure Sammy won't mind. More the merrier when it comes to clearing out wild goats!

FREDDY

Nah,  fuck that for a game of tin soldiers Yorky. I'm not really keen on hunting. Besides that, I'm a lousy fuckin' shot.

YORKY

Alright, just thought I'd ask ya.

Hey Freddy, When I was at the Dagos' shop, this really good-lookin' sheila came in for some smokes. Ya should have seen her mate. She's the best lookin' sheila I've seen in the Lake for a while!

FREDDY

Did ya talk to her?

YORKY

No mate, I never got the chance but I'm gonna' keep an eye out for her. Ya never know.

FREDDY

Does she work?

YORKY

Sammy told me she's a nurse up at the hospital.

FREDDY

Jeezus Yorky, that sounds good mate. They tell me that those nurses are real go-ers.

YORKY

Yeah, I heard the same thing miself Freddy. I think I might be spendin' a bit more time at the Dagos' shop. Sammy says she comes in regular.

   __________________

(Sammy and Yorky are going to shoot feral goats on a mates property. In the car talking.)

SAMMY

(He angrily shoves the gear stick into first gear.)

This married life is driving me fucking nuts. If it's not the kid, it's the misuss.

YORKY

Yeah mate, and it's about to git worse. She's due to drop another one any day by the looks of her.

SAMMY

Nah, she's got another 8 weeks to go so I've still got a bit of fuckin'-around time left up mi sleeve!

YORKY

Fuckin' around doin' what? Drinkin' and partying?

SAMMY

Drinking, partying and rootin' Yorky mate!

YORKY

How's ya missus handle the rootin' at 7 months?

SAMMY

I'm not rootin' the missus mate. I've been rooting that nurse ya saw in the shop yesterday. 

YORKY

Ya mean Nancy?

SAMMY

Yeah mate, right first time.

YORKY

Bullshit sport, no offense but I can't see any sheila in Lake Cargelligo rootin' a Dago.

SAMMY

Well, she's not rooting a Pommy bastard is she mate?

YORKY

Ya know what Sammy, you're such a bullshittin' Dago bastard. There's no fuckin' way you're rootin' her!

SAMMY

Please yourself whether you believe me or not mate but I rooted her, in the back of this station wagon, last night out at the Common.

YORKY

Alright Sammy, I'm not gonna' argue with you. 

_________________________

 (Yorky decides not to bat that ball back. He is more interested in thinking about this new information he'd just got from Sammy. They drive the rest of the way to the cockys' place in silence.)

YORKY (V/O)

 How could she root a greazy, fucking Dago of all people? And here's me thinkin' she's a great sheila.

______________

    

     (It's night time and Yorky is laid on his bed. Yorkys' sex-starved brain is creating all sorts of situations where he was sexually and romantically involved with nurse Nancy. The best part of the fantasy is that she is madly in love with him as much as he is with her.  The worst part of the fantasy was a voice that told him that she was a slut and a whore. After all, she did fuck a dago and as everybody in the Bush knows, dagos are greezy bastards that are not to be trusted. They're only good for cooking T-bone steaks and mixed grills.

Back and forth, Yorkys' fantasies go bouncing between the positive and negatives, highs and lows. In the end, he feels so fucking confused that he wishes that he'd never even seen her.)

_________________________

(Yorky goes to the cafe for a feed at lunchtime. He's thinking about Nurse Nancy as he goes into the cafe. As soon as he pushes open the door, he can not believe his eyes. There is his one and only, the new-found love of his life, sitting at a booth with Sammy the dago. Under normal circumstances, when Yorky would walk into the cafe, Sammy would call out 'Yorky, ya pommy bastard! How are ya?', and he would respond in kind. Not so today. Upon seeing Yorky, he turns his head back to face Nurse Nancy and totally ignores him.)

YORKY (V/O)

     'You fucking greezy wop bastard!' Is the first thought that jumped to the front of mi mind. 'The first chance I get, I'll fuckin' skin ya alive, ya dago bastard."

All of this mind activity happened in less than a nano-second. Not to mention, the jealousy. 'Fuck that dago bastard', mi mind said. 'Just walk over to the table and introduce ya self!'

     (Standing in front of the table, Yorky puts up the best smile he can)

YORKY

Sammy, how are ya mate?

SAMMY

(He flashes a phony smile) 

Yorky, ya pommy  bastard. How are ya?

YORKY

I'm very well, thanks Sammy.

(Turns to face Nurse Nancy)

G'day love, Yorky's mi name. What's yours?

NANCY

I'm Nancy. Pleased to meet ya Yorky.

YORKY

Oh the pleasure is all mine love.

 (Yorky can tell from the look on Sammys' face that he's not too pleased with his charming introduction.)

Do you mind if I join you?

NANCY

No, not at all Yorky.

YORKY

 (Yorky turns to Sammy)

Would you mind sliding over on the seat Sammy?

 (Sammy gets up from the table.)

You sit on the inside so I can get out when a customer comes in.

(In truth, he wanted to sit on the outside because Nancy was sat on the outside. That way, he was still sat opposite her. There is quite a bit of tension at the table by now. )

NANCY

So where are you from Yorky?

YORKY

I'm from the North of England. I've been in Lake Cargelligo for about 3 years now.

SAMMY

Minus the 5 months ya spent on the Showgrounds chasing that little blonde strip-tease sheila!

YORKY (V/O)

     You rotten dago fucking bastard! That's it, this is fucking WAR!

NANCY

    ( Nancy laughs and smiles.)

Did you catch her Yorky?

SAMMY

'Course he didn't catch her but everyone else did. That's because he's a slow, pommy bastard!

NANCY

Oh that's not a very polite thing to say Sammy. Maybe she already had a boyfriend.

YORKY

As a matter of fact Nancy, you are quite correct. Her boyfriend was called Samson. He had a weight-lifting act and used to lay on a bed of nails with a huge rock on his chest.

NANCY

Why would he do that?, she asks, showing some interest in my show-ground exploits.

YORKY

Once the rock was balanced on his chest, he invited blokes from the audience to try and smash it with a big sledge hammer.

NANCY

My goodness! Why would someone do that?

SAMMY

     (Sammy jumps in to say.....)

Because he was stupid!

YORKY

   

The outside of his tent had a large colored banner that read, SAMSON THE GREEK GIANT. STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD!

NANCY

Isn't that where you're from Sammy?

SAMMY

Yeah, but not all greeks are stupid, which is more than I can say for Pommies.

     ( Nancy gives a little titter, but it is obviously forced.) 

YORKY

And where are you from Nancy?

NANCY

I'm from Sydney.

YORKY

 How did you end up in Lake Cargelligo?

NANCY

The Lake hospital ran an ad for a nurse because they were short-handed.  I applied and lucky for me I got the job.

YORKY

Did you work as a nurse in Sydney?

NANCY

Yeah, but I was getting a bit sick of the Big Smoke. Besides that, I'd always wanted to try Bush life.

YORKY

So I take it you like working at the Hospital?

SAMMY

Course she does!

     (Nancy ignored Sammys' interjection) 

NANCY

I love being a nurse but the hospital is still short-staffed so sometimes we have to do extra shifts.


YORKY

What do you do when you're not workin'?

NANCY

Is there anything to do in Lake Cargelligo when one isn't working?

SAMMY

(In a feeble attempt at making a joke.)

Ya can always help out at the cafe.

NANCY

Thanks for the offer Sammy but the last thing I need, at the moment, is more work.

YORKY

I was thinking more along the lines of fun.

 (Before Sammy could get another word in, his wife appears at the back of the cafe carrying a large crate full of soda bottles. As she struggles towards the glass-fronted refrigerator, she yells out to Sammy in her squeaky dago voice.)

SAMMY

(Gets up from table)

Got to go. Talk to ya later Nancy.

    (Sammy goes to help his wife who is still struggling with the crate as she tried to squeeze past the refrigerator door)

NANCY

She doesn't sound too happy.

YORKY

She isn't.

NANCY

I'd love to know what she said to him but I can't understand Greek. Can you Yorky?

YORKY

Yeah, I've picked up a bit of Greek from the odd times I've worked in the cafe for Jimmy Xmas.

NANCY

Come on, out with it. What did she say?

YORKY

She said, "Hey Sammy, how much longer are ya gonna sit on ya fat arse talking to the customers? I need some help over here!

NANCY

 She really said that?

YORKY

Yeah, fair dinkum! COLO means arse in greek. Can ya think of another sentence that would include 'arse' when you're struggling with a crate of soft drinks?

________________

 (Yorky now has his beloved Nancys' attention all to myself. Nancy and he could laugh and joke without Sammy interjecting some sarcastic remark. Sammy doesn't approve of the fun they are having. Every now and then, he would walk to the front of the cafe and pretend to be tidying something up behind the counter. At these times, Yorky would laugh a little louder than normal just to piss him off!)

NANCY

Well yorky, regrettably I have to go. I've got some jobs to do at home before my shift starts. I also need some sleep, otherwise I'll be half asleep on the ward which won't please the Ward Sister one little bit.

YORKY

That's a shame Nancy, seeing as we're having a good laugh but I don't want you to get into trouble.

NANCY

She'll be right Yorky. I won't get into any trouble, even half asleep, I'm good at my job.


YORKY

(Yorky blurts out)

Would ya like to go for a drive or something one night, after ya finish ya shift?

NANCY

Yes, why not. That sounds great. At least, it will be something to do. What kind of car do you have?

YORKY

It's an old A55, but it'a good for a cruise around town. What night are ya free?

NANCY

Well, I'm on night shift tonight and tomorrow night, then I've got a couple of afternoon shifts where I finish at 10. So Wednesday or Thursday. Take your pick.

YORKY

How about Thursday night? It'll give me time to clean up the old car.

NANCY

Sounds great to me. I'll see ya then.

(Nancy gets up from the table)

    

Oh, by the way, I've had a great time talking with ya. Hurru!

(Nancy exits the cafe)

SAMMY

  (Within less than a minute of Nancy's' leaving, Sammy is back at Yorkys' table with the excuse of wiping it down with the dirty cloth he's holding.)

Are you trying to git under my neck mate? She's my girlfriend, not yours.

YORKY

How the fuck can she be your girlfriend mate? You've already got a missus and one-and- a-half kids!

SAMMY

What's that got to do with anything mate? And besides, I'm already rootin' her. She's mine!

YORKY

Fuck you Sammy, you dago bastard! Don't you try and tell me what I can and can't do. I had a step-father who was three times your size and he couldn't control what I did!

SAMMY

What were ya laughin' about?

YORKY

Ya know what Sammy, under normal conditions I really like ya, but these are not normal conditions. This is fuckin' war so fuck off and mind ya own business. Go and help ya wife or Jimmy Xmas, ya makin' a nuisance out of ya self!

SAMMY

Fuck you, ya pommy bastard!

YORKY

Yeah? And fuck you ya dago dick-head!

_____________

    (Yorky leaves the cafe and makes his way up the street to Giltraps. Yorky decides to stick his head in the bar to see what was happening, if anything.)

FREDDY

(Freddy is sitting with War Dog at the bar)

Yorky!  Come and have a middy mate.

YORKY

G'day Freddy, how the fuck are ya mate? War Dog, how's things on the hole?

WAR DOG

(War Dog is drunk already and it's still only the afternoon.)

Not bad on it and not bad off it.

YORKY

How long have you blokes been here?

FREDDY

(Freddy has a good glow on already also.)

Since about 11. I knocked on ya door earlier and tried the knob but ya obviously weren't in so I've been havin' a few with War dog.

YORKY

Yeah, I had no work today either and I was bored shitless sittin' in mi room so I went for a walk down the street. What about you War Dog?

WAR DOG

No work. Sweet fuck-all mate! I haven't picked anything up for over a fucking week now. I can tell ya one thing for sure, it's starting to wear pretty fuckin' thin.

FREDDY

Hey Yorky.Have ya seen that nurse since the last time we spoke?

YORKY

Funny you should say that mate. I just had a cuppachino with her at the dagos' shop.

FREDDY

Are ya makin' any progress with her?

WAR DOG

(Jumps into the conversation quickly before Yorky can answer)

Fuck me dead, what are you chasing this time, ya pommy bastard? I know it's bound to be pussy but what color is it, black or white?

YORKY

(Takes a couple of swigs from his glass)

Very fuckin' funny War Dog. Don't you ever have anything positive to say mate?

WAR DOG

As far as you and pussy go, what is there to say that's positive? In all the time I've known ya, ya still haven't got ya self a root.

YORKY

Yeah well it's not for the lack of trying mate, and while we're at it, I don't see too many sheilas hanging around you War Dog.

WAR DOG

I'm not chasing any, that's why.

YORKY

Ya not chasing any War Dog because of ya crook knees. the only thing that you'd catch is some poor old geriatric in a fuckin' wheel chair!

    (This little joke gave Freddy a good laugh, so much so, that he nearly spat his beer out.) 

WAR DOG

Let's see if you're in as good a shape as me when ya get my age, ya pommy bastard.

YORKY

We can War Dog. The only snag is, when I'm your age, you'll be six fucking feet under. You won't be around to see it mate.

WAR DOG

Fuck you ya smart-arsed pommy bastard

YORKY

Yeah and fuck you too War Dog!

WAR DOG

I have been. Shake hands with ya dad!

  (With this joke of War Dogs', Yorky manages to keep a straight face. Freddy, on the other hand, is having a great old laugh which pissed off War Dog.)

WAR DOG

Why am I drinkin' with you two fuckin' yobos when I could be having an interesting conversation with someone at Twitcheys?

     (With that said, War Dog downs his middy, gets up off his bar stool.)

Fuck you two dick-heads!

(As War Dog is leaving the bar, Yorky shouts out)

     

YORKY

Hey War Dog, it's your round mate.

WAR DOG

Shove it up ya Kaiber Pass ya fuckin' dingbat!

FREDDY

Well, you've done it again Yorky mate. I wish I could think things up as fast as you.

YORKY

Ya probably could if ya had to live my life Freddy.

FREDDY

No thanks mate. I'll stick to mi own.

________________

YORKY (V/O)

     The next three days seemed like three weeks as I waited for Thursday night to roll around. I had arranged to meet Nancy outside the Dagos' shop after her shift had finished. I'd hosed down the old A55 and cleaned up the inside. Apart from a crook engine, she didn't look too bad.

     One of Nancys' work mates dropped her off at the corner of the main street. I got out of the car and walked up the street to meet her.

YORKY

(Nancy is walking towards Yorky)

G'day, how are ya?

NANCY

Pretty good Yorky. How are you?

YORKY

Great! Did ya have a heavy shift?

NANCY

No, not really. A couple of patients went home today so there wasn't as much work to do which was quite welcome. I need to get some smokes from the cafe. D'ya mind waiting a minute?

YORKY

Not at all love, I'll come in with ya.

(They enter cafe)

  (As they walk in the Dagos' shop, Sammy is cleaning off a few tables. As soon as he sees them, he drops the cloth into the soapy bowl and walks over to serve them. The look on his face is not very welcoming and the tone of his voice is quite flat when he says....)

SAMMY

What can I get ya?

NANCY

G'day Sammy. How are ya?

SAMMY

I'm alright. What d'ya need?

NANCY

Ya don't sound too good Sammy. Ya had a hard day?

SAMMY

Yeah, I've been stock-taking all day and re-stocking the shelves.

NANCY

Ah well, a good night's rest'll do ya good eh?

SAMMY

Yeah, I suppose so.

     (It's obvious that Sammy isn't going to say G'day to Yorky)

YORKY

How's business mate? Ya been busy apart from stock-taking?

SAMMY

So-so!

(Sammy make his way around the counter.)

So what d'ya need?

NANCY

Give us a pack of Styvesants.

YORKY

Yeah, and give me a pack of Camels while ya at it mate.

     (Nancys' smokes are put on the counter in front of her. Yorkys' are casually thrown on the counter to the side of him.)

SAMMY

What are you up to tonight Nancy?

NANCY

Me and Yorky are off for a cruise around town for something to do. I just finished work and I need a bit of relaxation before going home.

SAMMY

Ya could've asked me. We could have gone out to the Common again.

NANCY

Well how sweet of you Sammy but I arranged to go with Yorky last time we were in here.

SAMMY

Ya wanna be careful that old bomb of his doesn't break down.

     

YORKY

Does that mean you're offering us a loan of your new station wagon Sammy?

SAMMY

Not bloody likely mate. You'd probably run it into the Lake!

NANCY

Oh I don't think Yorky's that bad a driver, are ya?

YORKY

Nah. I've driven Semi-trailers full of wheat. A little 8-cylinder station wagon shouldn't be much of a problem.

(Sammys' mood darkens by the minute.)

YORKY

Shall we take off?

NANCY

Yeah, why not.

As Yorky and Nancy turn to go out, she says to Sammy,)

NANCY 

Get a good nights rest Sammy. You'll feel a lot better tomorrow.

SAMMY)

Yeah, right. 

(Sammy turns around and heads towards the kitchen.)

 (They're walking towards the car, Yorkys' mind started to re-run what Sammy had said at the counter)

SAMMY (flash back)

'You could have asked me. We could have gone out to the Common again.' 

YORKY (V/O)

So it's true! The dago bastard wasn't lying when he said he took her out to the Common and rooted her in the back of his station-wagon!  Fuck it! I'm not gonna' be the idiot I was on the Showground
with Christine the stripper and end up with mi dick in mi hand. Here I am, almost 18 and the only relationship I'd had so far was with 'Mrs. Palm and her five daughters and one of those was a fatty!

(Once they were in the car, they light up some smokes and drive off up the main street.)

NANCY

Poor Sammy, he was feeling a bit under the weather tonight. I hope he's alright and not coming down with something.

YORKY

Oh I wouldn't worry about that. He's probably got a lot on his plate what with the cafe business and a pregnant wife.

YORKY (V/O)

If the truth be known, what I would have liked to have said was 'Fuck that slimy dago bastard. I hope he falls through his arsehole and hangs himself!'

(Yorky drives around town for a while. They finally park up at the Lakeside. 

NANCY

(She stares out of the windscreen, across the Lake.)

Isn't that a beautiful glow.

YORKY

Yeah, it's very romantic. 

(Yorky remembering some old black and white movies he'd seen of couples parked up looking at a similar scene. The moon was now getting higher in the night sky, as they sit there, which caused the reflective light on the water to diminish quite a bit.)

Would ya like to drive out to the Common for awhile? The moon will probably be a lot brighter out there, away from the town lights.

NANCY

Yeah why not. I love it out there. There's something about that place that gives off a peaceful feeling.

YORKY (V/O)

     We drive out to the Common, mostly in silence. I, for one, was thinking about what was going to happen. Nancy was a pretty decent sort of sheila but the fact that she rooted a dago colored my thinking in one way only.  How was I going to git a root out of her?

     It didn't take long to reach our destination. Once there, I looked for a somewhat secluded space where no one could see the car and we could still see the moon. My plan of action was first, to have a bit of a kiss and a cuddle and then slowly make mi way down to the jackpot! The kissing and cuddling part seemed to be going quite well as Nancy responded in a warm and affectionate way.

     I had put a lot of thought into this plan of action of mine. Instead of putting mi hand straight on her knee, I slid mi hand down her back and slowly rubbed the top part of her butt cheek, whilst still giving her a big, long snog!

YORKY (V/O)

     The voice in mi head told me I was making good progress so I allowed mi hand to slide down a bit further till I was actually squeezing her arse cheek. There was a lot of sexual tension starting to build up on the front seat of mi old car now. I slowly slid mi hand down further to the top part of her thigh and gently squeezed it. My mind, by this time, was at least a couple of steps in front of mi hand. So far no problem at all. Slowly, I inched mi hand up the outside of her thigh and down to the inside warm, soft part.

'You'd better not move too fast now.' 'Keep ya hand there for a while until she gets used to it.'

     This was the closest I'd ever gotten to a root in mi life. Once false move now and it could all be over! Patience, as a young man, was not one of my virtues. Ignoring the mind, I slid mi had a little further up the inside of her thigh. By my reckoning, I only had about another four inches  to go before I would get mi first feel of the 'elusive prize'!

YORKY  (V/O)

'Old War Dog won't be able to take the piss out of ya after tonight. This is gonna stop his bullshit in its tracks.'

(No sooner had that thought come up, I felt a warm hand on top of mine which proceeded to slide my hand back down to her knee. The next emotion I felt was great disappointment, mixed with a good dose of anger. 'Fuck me Rome', I thought as mi hand was back where it started. 'What the fuck went wrong? This part of the game was not in the plan. My hand was supposed to be heading up, not

down!' )

After trying several more times to reach a higher part of her thigh, with no luck at all,  Yorky stops kissing her.)

YORKY

Let's have a smoke.

(Once the smokes were going Yorky just sits there quietly looking out of the windscreen, not knowing what to do or say. His mind was now racing around at top speed, telling him that he wouldn't get a fuck in a brothel with a wallet-full of money. Yorky decides to confront Nancy about the nights lack of progress.  He's just about to say something when she speaks first.)

NANCY

Ya don't seem too happy, is something wrong?

YORKY

(Yorky blurts out, not being able to hide his anger and disappointment.)

You've got to be fucking joking! I thought we came out here for a good time.

NANCY

I thought we WERE having a good time? 

(She says with a surprised look on her face.)

YORKY

We were, till you put the kibosh on it!

NANCY

What d'ya mean by that?

YORKY

You know what I mean. I thought we were gonna go all the way. I wasn't planning to drive out here just for a kiss and a cuddle!

NANCY

What were you planning then?

YORKY 

(Yorky is feeling awkward and doesn't know how to express himself.)

You know. 

NANCY

Do you mean you were planning on having sex with me?

YORKY

Well seeing as you mention it, why not?

NANCY

Because I thought we were just driving out here for something to do and maybe a bit of kissing and petting.

YORKY

Oh bullshit Nancy! Ya get in mi car and agree to drive out here at this time of night and when we get out here all ya wanna do is kiss and cuddle, which I don't mind as long as it leads somewhere!

NANCY

I just don't understand why you think I'm that type of girl?

    

YORKY

Sammy!

NANCY

What about Sammy?

YORKY

I got the idea from Sammy. He said you drove out here with him and he rooted ya in the back of his station wagon. I got to thinking, if you rooted a fucking dago, what's wrong with givin' me one?

NANCY

Fuck you!!  Sammy is a lying sack a' shit. I never let him go that far.

(Yorky is surprised at her outburst. )

YORKY

What reason would he have to lie to me for?

NANCY

I don't know and I don't fucking care. I never rooted him!

YORKY

But you admit ya let him get, at least, as far as I got?

NANCY

I don't believe I'm hearing this. How far I let a man go is my business and my business alone!

YORKY

Alright then, If ya didn't go all the way with him and ya certainly didn't go all the way with me then you're nothin' but a prick teaser!

NANCY

Ya know what, you're a real fucking bastard Yorky. Even if I did root Sammy, which I didn't, why should I root you?

YORKY

Well, for one thing mi balls are swollen and sore. I suppose a fuck is right out of the question now is it?

(Said half-jokingly!

NANCY

Your swollen testicles are your problem, not mine. And yes, a fuck, as you call it, is right out of the question!

YORKY

So, you're gonna' sit there and tell me that it never occurred to you that I'd try to git a root our of ya?

NANCY

Yeah! That's what I'm telling ya.

YORKY

I don't believe ya. It must have, at least, crossed ya mind?

NANCY

Don't tell me what crosses my mind. You need to take care of your own fucking sick mind!

YORKY

You're trying to tell me that all of this, that's goin' on, is all my fault and nothing to do with you at all?

NANCY

Yeah, that's right. And while we're at it, take me home!

YORKY

Ya know what Nancy? It takes two to tango and since it's pretty obvious we're not gonna' tango, ya can fuckin' walk home! Git out of my car ya prick-teasing bitch!

NANCY

I beg your pardon, did I just hear right? You're gonna' make me walk home?

YORKY

Right, first time! Either cock it up or start walking. Maybe you'll think twice before conning another mug into your little romantic game!

(Yorky leans across her knees and opens the catch on the car door,  Sound of creaking when door opens on a rusty hinge.)

NANCY

You're serious aren't you?

YORKY

Yeah, mi sore balls and your sore feet will make a good match. Now get out before I fuckin' drag ya out!

NANCY

(In a panicked voice)

What if I get lost?

YORKY

Just follow the dirt track. It'll come out this side of the bitumen. Make a left and you'll be home in no time!

(Nancy gets out of the car. She slams the door, defiantly, so hard, the window-winder ends up on the floor Viewed in the rearview mirror, Nancy disappears in a cloud of bull-dust.)

____________________________________

    

(Yorky heads down the corridor to his room in the Hotel. Yorky is about to go inside when Freddy come out from his room with a can of beer in his hand.)

YORKY

Where ya off to Freddy?

FREDDY

G'day Yorky, how are ya mate?

YORKY

Where ya goin'?

FREDDY

I was off to War Dogs' room to see if he wanted a beer.

YORKY

Ah fuck him Freddy, grab a couple of tinnies and come to my room mate. It'll be more fun!

FREDDY

Ya wanna come in my room mate?

YORKY

Have ya cleaned it up yet?

FREDDY

Not yet, I'm still thinking about it.

YORKY

I think my room might be a bit more comfortable mate.

FREDDY

Yeah, I guess ya right. I was never much of a housekeeper, at the best of times.

FREDDY

Ya just got back from ya date with that hot nurse?

YORKY

Yeah, I'll tell ya all about it over a beer.

   

FREDDY

Alright Yorky mate, give us the skinny on ya big night out.

(Yorky and Freddy sitting in Yorkys room talking)

FREDDY

Fuck me blind Yorky mate, you're fair dinkum aren't ya. Ya really kicked the prick-teaser out and made her walk home?

YORKY

Fuckin' oath mate.

FREDDY

Ya reckon if we sat on Giltraps steps for half hour or so we'd probably see her walking down the main street at some point?

YORKY

Guaranteed mate, but I've seen enough of her for one night. In fact, I'm not lookin' forward to seeing her again.

_________

    ( The way I related the story of my night out with Nurse Nancy was extremely funny but after Freddy left and I laid down on mi bed, in the privacy of mi room, it was time to get more truthful 

with miself.)

YORKY (V/O)

     All my life I've always been able to bullshit and exaggerate a good story. That said, I've never been able to bullshit and lie to miself. I decided to start the post-mortem of my dead relationship with Nurse Nancy from the very beginning, which of course started off with, I now believed was, a fuckin' lie told to me by Sammy the fuckin' dago.

     Tomorrow I would confront the dago bastard and get to the truth of the matter. Tonight, it was my responsibility. My first thought was why I felt pangs of guilt for the way I acted. Had Sammy not told me he rooted her I would have seen Nancy in a much different light. Knowing myself pretty well, I would have probably asked her to go to dinner with me at George and Marys' Cafe. If I had gone that route I would've seen her as a potential girlfriend instead of a 'root and a dump'.

     That was my first mistake and lesson. I needed to learn to never believe a word anyone ever tells me without doing what I could to verify the truth. I was still too fucking naive where women were concerned.

     I thought about what my mother taught me as a boy. 'Never disrespect women son. Only weak men do things like that'. Thinking about her words, I felt like a weak piece of shit who had let down my mother, Nancy and myself.

     That left me feeling really guilt-ridden and not too proud of what I had done. I tried to justify my behavior by telling myself, 'serve the bitch right for agreeing to go out to the Common with me. What else did she expect?'

     That little feel good thought didn't quite get off the ground as another voice said, 'Yeah, that's what rapist and murderers say in their defense, when they're caught!' It didn't take long for me to abandon that line of defense, not to mention the fact that it made me feel worse.

(INNER VOICE  V/O)

     'What about the two beers I had before I met her tonight? Before I could even get to the end of that thought, another thought said, 'Ya not gonna' try and blame a couple of beers on what happened tonight are ya? If that's the case, you should stop drinkin' grog. 'What about her responsibility? That's her problem, not yours. Don't try and dump the blame on her.'

     'Why don't ya just cut ya dick off? Problem solved!' 'Why don't you git fucked!', said mi dick. 'Besides being the stupidest thought you've ever had, you'll have to sit down for a piss and ya know what that means don't ya? No more tryin' to sign ya name on the piss house wall before ya run out a' piss!' All in all, the obvious made itself as clear as crystal to me. There was no other legitimate option but to do my best to meet up with her again and apologize for my behavior, especially the walking home part.

(Yorky turns out the light and goes to bed.)

YORKY  (V/O)

Oh Jesus, my balls are so swollen and sore. Now what? 

INNER VOICE (V/O)

Oh shut the fuck up! You're nothin' but a whingin', pommy bastard. Just flog ya maggot and be done with it! It won't be the first time'. The way you're goin' about this girl-friend situation, it looks like it won't be the last. Good Night!'

________________

 

 (Next morning, Yorky takes off down the street to have it out with Sammy the dago. Yorky walks into the cafe. Sammy is no where to be seen. Yorky makes his way to the kitchen area at the back of the room.  Jimmy Xmas is putting a couple of eggs on some toast.)

YORKY

G'day Jimmy. How are ya mate?

JIMMY XMAS

Not-a the bad Yorky mate. What can I do you for? You want-a the eggs for the breakfast? You make them for yourself. You know where everything is.

YORKY

Thanks, but no thanks Jimmy. Is Sammy around?

JIMMY XMAS

How I supposed to know where-a that lazy bastard is? Maybe he hiding out-a the back somewhere. All I know is Jimmy the Xmas, he get-a left all-a the time to do-a all of the work. You go out-a the back and look-a for him yourself.  Jimmy the Xmas, he eat-a the breakfast now while he still have-a the time.

YORKY

Thanks Jimmy.

__________________________________

(Yorky walks through the kitchen to the outside back area. Outside, he finds Sammy hosing out a couple of containers)

YORKY

Hey Sammy.

(Sammy looks up.)

You and me need a bit of a natter mate!

(Sammy realizes from the tone of his voice that he was not in best of moods.)

SAMMY

I don't have time now mate. I've got a lot of work to do today.

YORKY

No worries mate, I'll  just talk while you work. It's about Nancy!

(Soon as Yorky mentions Nancy, Sammy straightens up)

SAMMY

Not here mate. It's too close to my living quarters, the missus might hear. Over here, it's a bit more private. So what d'ya want?

YORKY

You fuckin' lied to me about Nancy mate! You told me ya rooted her out at the Common, the other night.

SAMMY

Bullshit! I did root her on the back seat just as I told ya'!

YORKY

You're a fuckin' lyin' sack a' shit Sammy. All she gave ya was a kiss and a cuddle!

SAMMY

Nah mate. She gave me a root.

YORKY

Fuckin' bullshit Sammy!

SAMMY

How do you know what she gave me? You weren't there!

YORKY

I didn't have to be there sport! I did the next best thing, I asked her. She said you're a lyin' dago bastard. Ya never rooted her!

SAMMY

Well of course she's gonna' say that. She's not gonna' admit that to you is she? Anyway, why d'ya have to go and tell her what I said?

YORKY

Because she wouldn't give me a root mate, when I tried it on with her last night.

SAMMY

Ah, that's because she likes me better than you, ya pommy bastard.

YORKY

So ya still claim that you rooted her mate? Well, try this on for size. One of the last things she said to me before I kicked her out of the car and made her walk home was that you've slandered her name and she's coming down to the Cafe to have it out with ya. If ya still persist in claiming ya rooted her, she's gonna' complain to ya missus.

 (Sammy is rattled at this statement!)

SAMMY

Bullshit, she wouldn't dare!"

YORKY

Look at my face Sammy, unlike you, I'm not a fuckin' liar!

SAMMY

Did you really make her walk home?

YORKY

Yeah, we drove out to the Common and parked up for awhile. Once it was obvious to me that she wasn't goin' to give me a root, I asked her why she rooted you, and what was wrong with giving me one!

SAMMY

Oh fuck! What the fuck am I gonna' do now? What if she really does come down to the cafe and wants to see Christina?

YORKY

Ya got a root out of her, or so you say. I guess you'll have to face the consequences.

SAMMY

Fuck that for a joke, Christina will hit the fuckin' roof, all for a snog and a cuddle!

YORKY

What d'ya mean a snog and a cuddle? That's what I got. You got a good, old-fashioned root off her.

SAMMY

No, I didn't!

YORKY

Yeah, ya did Sammy! That's what you told me anyway.

SAMMY

I was bullshittin' ya mate.

YORKY

Ya mean ya were fucking lyin' your arse off to me. Big notin' ya self just to put ya self one rung on the ladder above me?

SAMMY

Nah mate, it's called bullshittin'.

YORKY

No it's fuckin' not Sammy! Bullshit only lasts for a short time and then ya admit ya bullshitted and everyone has a good laugh. You outright lied to me with a straight face and now you're in the shit big time sport!

SAMMY

Fuck me dead Yorky mate! What an I gonna' do now? Will you lie for me if she comes to the cafe and tell Christina that you made it all up?

YORKY

Jeezus Sammy, you're a real piece a fuckin' work aren't ya! First up, ya tell me a big, fuckin' lie and now ya want me to lie for ya so you don't get in the shit with ya missus! Have you any fucking idea how much shit I'm in with Nancy now, based on your fuckin' lies mate? I treated her worse than a bloody whore. Whores get paid and I never even offered her a brass razoo. Plus, I threw her out a the car and called her a fuckin' prick teaser!

 (Sammy is stunned and is close to tears as he contemplates the situation he now finds himself in.)

SAMMY

It's alright for you, Yorky mate. You're single. Ya don't have a wife to answer to.

YORKY

Oh Sammy, you're not tryin' to put the blame on mi for all of this bullshit drama are ya?

SAMMY

No, no mate. I'm fuckin' panicking! What the fuck am I gonna do?

 YORKY

I don't know mate. That's your problem. My problem was believing you, ya lyin' bastard. I'm not blaming you for what happened. I admitted my part in it to miself last night when I got home but I'll tell ya one thing for sure mate, I'll never believe another fuckin' word you tell me, unless I check it out for miself. When push comes to shove, you pretty much fucked up our friendship sport!

SAMMY

Don't be like that Yorky. It's times like this that a bloke needs a good mate!

YORKY

Good mates bullshit Sammy but they don't drop their mate in the shit with outrageous fuckin' lies!

SAMMY

Yeah mate, I know you're right but that doesn't help me does it? What d'ya think I should do now?

YORKY

Let me ask ya a question mate. Do you ever think of anyone else other than ya self?  My feeling is, if ya did, ya wouldn't have let the lie stand for so long, without tellin' me the truth.

SAMMY

Yeah, yeah, ya fuckin' right again Yorky. The missus is always telling me what a selfish bastard I am.  I guess the possibility of fuckin' up mi marriage is proving her right. Yorky mate, I apologize to ya. I was jealous of ya because you're single and can hit up the sheilas' any time ya like and my single life is over since I got married.

YORKY

So why d'ya get married in the first place, if ya like chasing sheilas so much?

SAMMY

I had to get married mate. Christina was in the family way and if ya get a greek girl pregnant ya gotta marry her or die!"

     

YORKY

Alright Sammy this is what I'm gonna' do mate. I'm gonna' find out what shift Nancy's on and what time she finishes. Then I'm gonna' drive up to the hospital and wait for her to come out. If I can get

within 10 feet of her, I'm gonna' apologize for being an immature, mongrel bred, pommy bastard.

SAMMY

Would ya consider puttin' in a good word for me while ya at it mate?

YORKY

No fuckin' way! I'll tell her that you admitted to me that you were lying and you're not going to repeat the story again!

SAMMY

Good on ya Yorky. You're a bloody good mate. I won't make the same mistake again, that's for fuckin' sure. Just the thought of Christina finding out I fucked around on her almost makes mi puke with fear! Ya can't imagine what her father would do to me if he ever found out I disgraced his only daughter. Cutting my nuts off would be a fuckin' blessing!

YORKY

That's a bit heavy duty isn't it mate?

SAMMY

Not if ya ever met him. To say he has a connection to the Greek underworld would be a bloody understatement, if ya know what I mean!

 _______________ 

(Yorky decides to talk to Nancy. He's waiting in his car for Nancy to walk out the hospital door. He sees Nancy and gets out of his car and heads over to her direction. As he gets within speaking distance of her, Nancy sees him.)

NANCY

I don't believe what I'm seeing! What are you doing here? Looking for a root and dump, or a one-way ticket to the Common? Get out of my sight. If I ever see you again in my life, it will be too bloody soon!

YORKY

Nancy, I just need a couple of minutes of your time. I'd like to apologize for my behavior the other night.

NANCY

Well goody-goody for you! Now ya can piss off back to the rock ya crawled out from under!

YORKY

Nancy, give me a minute and let me explain.

NANCY

Why? So you can feel good about ya self again?

YORKY

Listen, I accept full responsibility for my actions. What a dick-head I was for treating you that way. I'd also like to say that I wasn't entirely to blame other than being stupid enough to listen to Sammys' lies about you.

NANCY

Don't mention that dago bastards name in my company. He's going to get a mouthful from me the next time I see him and I don't care whether his wife hears me or not!

YORKY

I went to confront him about his lies and eventually he admitted that he'd made most of it up."

NANCY

And that's supposed to make everything better is it?

YORKY

No, no way. I'm just lettin' ya know, he's shittin' himself that you're gonna tell his missus.

NANCY

So he should be! By the time I'm finished with him, he won't be slandering anymore women's names.

     

YORKY

Once again, I'm really sorry I treated ya like shit. It won't happen again.

NANCY

Ya not wrong there Yorky. It won't ever happen again, I can assure you of that. Oh, before I go, let me give you a something to think about. I really liked you when I first met you and I was actually thinking that if we got on together, after some time, we could have had a physical relationship but that's totally out a the question now. Ya well and truly blew that!

YORKY

Yeah, I understand Nancy. I guess being friends is also not gonna' happen eh?

NANCY

I don't think so. Ya know what, I gotta' go. I don't have any more time for you!

(Nancy finishes what she wants to say to Yorky and turns away, walks over to the car where her friend had been waiting for her.)

_________________________

(Yorky's sitting on his bed in his hotel room. There's a knock on the door.)

 

FREDDY

Yorky? Ya in there mate?

YORKY

Yeah Freddy. It's open. Come in.

FREDDY

How are ya' Yorky mate? How did the meeting with ya hot nurse go?

YORKY

Just as I expected, up to shit bonza! She was really pissed off.

FREDDY

 Never mind mate. There's plenty more fish in the sea.

YORKY

Well Freddy, if we lived on the coast that might be the case, but the fact is we live in the Bush where there's a definite lack of water and a sad lack of pussy!

FREDDY

Yeah, I guess ya right Yorky mate. Anyways, who wants to fuck a fish. Let's go and have a beer sport. That'll cheer ya up!