Pulling up into the back parking area, Ivers got out and said,
"Burgoo, you and Reggie make sure those fuckin' toolboxes are locked and throw a tarp over the back of the Ute. I don't want these Hilston bungs nosing around and stealing mi good tools. I'm gonna' go see the Publican about cashing this check."
Once that job was done, Reggie and me made our grand entrance into the bar. It was only 6 O'clock. The bar was about half-full. Ivers was nowhere to be seen. I ordered three middys and asked the barman if he'd seen Ivers.
"Yeah mate, he's in the back with the boss, cashing a cheque."
"That's good.", said Reggie. "I'm down to the bones of mi arse!"
"Look at that Reggie, they've got a dart board over in the corner. Soon as we've had our drinks, we'll chuck a few spears.", said I.
"I'm not much good at darts, Yorky mate. I can hit the board but that's about it."
"Well, I'm no fucking expert mate. We'll just play for fun."
We'd just finished our middys when Ivers appeared at the back room door and called us over. We passed the Publican as he walked over behind the bar.
"Shut that door Reggie.", said Ivers as we walked into a small office.
"Alright ya two bastards, I reckon 60 hours a piece will about do it. I've chucked in a couple of extra hours in for ya both. There's an extra hour for you Burgoo for helping load the Ute up Monday morning. Check ya money and make sure it's right. I might have given ya too much."
That was Ivers attempt at making a joke. When the money was checked, I said to Ivers,
"Thanks for the work Cecil."
"Me too.", said Reggie.
"What work?", said Ivers. "You wouldn't work in an iron lung, Burgoo, but if ya stick it out with me mate, I'll make a decent worker out of ya. That's taking into account ya handicap."
"What fuckin' handicap?"
"You're a bugoo spittin', pommy bastard mate! That fuckin' handicap."
"Hey Cecil.", I said,
"What?", he replied.
"Fuck you. Your beers on the bar out there gitten' warm."
"Why didn't ya fuckin' say so Pongo? I've drunk enough warm beer this week."
Tonight was a great night. We all had a pocket-full of money and all night to spend it in.
"Are we staying till closin' time, Ivers?", said Reggie.
"We're stayin' till we get kicked out mate. Why?"
"Oh, just thinkin' about pacing miself. I don't want to get pissed too early."
Ivers shouted another round and said to Reggie,
"Here, get this into ya mate and don't worry about it. You're in safe hands sport. I'm drivin' us home."
"Were you happy with the job Cecil?", I asked.
"I suppose so Burgoo, but I reckon we could have finished it in 4 days if you'd pulled ya finger out mate."
"Fuck you Cecil. I worked mi fuckin' arse off on that shed. Anyway, did ya make enough money out of the job?"
"I didn't do too bad Burgoo but by the time I pay mi maintenance and bills and the missus dips her hand in the pot, I'll be fuckin' broke again, come Monday."
The beer flowed consistently and as the night wore on, the bar room started to fill up a bit.
"Hey Burgoo, ya want a game of darts?", said Ivers." "Loser buys the next round and the winner plays Reggie."
"Come on then Ivers. Don't be surprised when I beat ya."
"Fuck you Burgoo! I'll wipe the fuckin' floor with you, ya pommy bastard! I'm feeling real lucking tonight."
"You'd better be Cecil. Pommys are real good at darts!"
"All you pommy bastards are a pack a' puftas'. That's all you're good at."
"Fuck you Ivers!", I said as I picked up the best set of darts. "Nearest the bull and we'll play 301. Will you score Reggie?"
"I'm not much good at numbers Yorky mate, but I'll give it a go."
"Three more middys.", said Reggie. "And a couple more bags of crisps."
When the barman came back with the beers, Reggie said, "Did ya forget the crisps mate?"
"No mate, we don't usually sell a lot of crisps but you blokes have gone through a bloody carton-full."
"Well, I guess we'll start on the peanuts then. Couple of packets will do for now."
Round about this time, an old boiler (sheila), walked into the bar and sat on her own in the corner. By this time, we all had a good glow on. Ivers, who had seen the old girl said,
"I think I'll go over and ask that old sheila if she wants to join us for a round."
With that, he took off for the corner table. A few minutes later she was sat on a stool next to Ivers, who was ordering her a 7. She said to Reggie,
"What's your name mate?"
"Reggie, what's yours?"
"Cheryl. What's ya mates name?
"Yorky", I said. "Pleased to meet ya, love."
Ivers piped up and said,
"His name's Burgoo!"
"What kind of a name's that?", said Cheryl.
"It's a pommy name 'cause he's a Burgoo spittin' bastard!"
"That's not very polite.". she said.
"Ya don't have to be polite to pommys, love."
"Yes, ya do. Ya should be polite to everyone."
I liked this old sheila. I jumped into the conversation and said,
"There ya go Cecil! What did I tell ya about being polite."
"Fuck you Burgoo, nobody's talkin' to you anyway. I thought you were playin' darts?"
"Ya wanat another beer love?", I asked the old girl.
"Yes please, I'll have a 7"
I ordered 3 more middys and a seven. I had to wait for the beer, so I decided to go for a leak. I'd downed quite a few middys by now. As I was stood at the trough, Ivers walked in and said,
"Hey burgoo, are you trying to git on to that old boiler?"
" Course I'm fuckin' not Ivers! She's old enough to be mi grandmother and she's near on old enough to be your mother!"
"Bullshit burgoo, she ain't that old and anyway it doesn't matter. She's mine! Keep ya fuckin' eyes off her!"
"Fuck you Ivers. I'm not interested in ya boiler!", I said as I headed for the door.
Back in the barroom, Reggie and I played another game of darts. After Reggie fluked a game, I said to Ivers,
"Your turn to play Reggie."
Ivers, reluctantly, grabbed the darts off the bar and threw for a bull, whilst I ordered round for being the loser. The old sheila started chatting to me. She asked me questions about England, why I came out here at such a young age, things like that. A short while later, she excused herself and took off to the Ladies room. Ivers, who had been giving me a few dirty looks, came over after his throw.
"Are you tryin' to close the womb on me, Burgoo?"
"What d'ya mean Ivers? I was just tellin' her about England. She was interested."
"Bullshit, Burgoo! I told ya before, she's mine! And now she's starting to get cranky with me for callin' ya Burgoo!"
"Maybe you should use a few manners Cecil, then you'd be in there."
"Fuck you Burgoo, I don't need any fuckin' manners. I'm gettin' along all right, as I am."
"Look Cecil, we've all had a lot of grog tonight. Just relax a bit. I'm not interested in the old girl!"
Ivers was gettin' quite upset now as he said the standard, "fuck you burgoo."
At some stage in the evening, I lost Reggie. He was nowhere to be found. After goin' for another leak, I walked round the back of the hotel to check the Ute. Walking a bit wobbly around the corner, I found Reggie, sittin' in the passengers seat, with the door open.
"Hey Reggie!", I yelled out. "Ya alright mate?"
Once I got a bit closer, I could see what a stupid question it was. There was a great big puddle of chunder on the ground, between his legs.
"Fuckin' hell mate, are ya crook?"
"I think I'm fuckin' dyin' Yorky! I've been sneakin' a few shorts in, on the side."
Looking down, I recognized the nights entertainment. Crips and peanuts floatin' on a pool of frothy, liquid.
"Can I do anythin' for ya' mate?"
"No mate, just leave me alone. I just need a lung full of fresh air. I'll be alright for a few more then. What's Ivers doin'?"
"He's still tryin' to chat up that old sheila. He's gettin' quite argumentative."
"Yeh, I noticed that before I felt crook."
" Ya want to come back in mate?"
"Not yet sport. I'll be in, in a few minutes, soon as I'm feelin' better."
Just then, he burped and hurled another gut-full on the ground. I jumped out of the way just in time as the amber fluid splattered his boots and wooly socks. He sat there moanin' and groanin' as the steam rose up between his legs, due to the cold night air.
Back in the bar, I ordered another round for miself an Ivers. The old sheila was still nursing a flat 7 ounce.
"Hey Burgoo, where's that gutless fucking Reggie?"
"He's outside, sat in the Ute, chucking his guts."
"Jesus christ, he's not chundering on the floor of mi Ute, is he?"
"No mate, but there might be a bit of overspray on the outside."
"The weak piece a' shit, that'll eat mi good paint job away."
"Hey Cecil, there's more dings and paint missin' off that old fuckin' Ute, ya won't even notice it!"
"Fuck you Burgoo, that old Ute of mine is a real piss-cutter. She's done more work in her short life than you'll ever do in your fuckin' lifetime mate!"
"You know what Cecil, I'm going to the Ladies room and then I'm going home. You're an ignorant, ill-mannered bloke! I'm sick of the way you're talking to that young fella'."
"Oh come on love, don't be like that. I'm only jokin' around."
"No you're not Cecil. You're takin' the piss out of him!"
With that, Ivers turned to me and said,
"Am I takin' the piss out of you Burgoo?"
"Well, you're not exactly being decent, are ya Cecil?"
"Fuck you Burgoo!"
Ivers picked up his middy and tipped the rest of it down in one go. The old boiler made her exit to the Ladies room. When she was out of earshot, Ivers turned to me and said,
"If I don't get a root off this old sheila tonight, I'm holding you fully responsible Burgoo and I won't be real fuckin' happy!"
"If ya don't get a root Ivers, it's your own stupid fault for being so fuckin' rude. Fuck you!", I said, and rolled another smoke.
When the old boiler returned, she walked up to me and said,
"I don't know how ya can tolerate Cecil. He's not a very polite man, to say the least."
She then turned to Ivers and said,
"Thanks for the couple of beers, Cecil. I'm goin' home now."
"Hang on a minute love, till I find mi keys. I'll drive ya home."
"No thanks Cecil. I'll walk. I only live down the road. Besides, you're full. and I don't like drivin' with drunks.
"Jesus, I'm not that fuckin' full!"
"Yes you are! You need to sober up a bit before you drive back to Lake Cargelligo."
Ivers was now resigned to the fact that there was not goin' to be any root for him tonight. At least not from her. She gathered up her change and smokes and said,
"Good night Cecil!", as she headed for the front door.
Ivers was now in a foul mood.
"This is all your fault burgoo! I was makin' good headway till ya' opened ya bugoo spittin' mouth!"
"Don't blame me again, Ivers. It's ya own stupid fault. Anyways, why did ya wanna' root that old sheila when you've got a decent lookin' wife at home?"
"Mind ya own business bugoo and leave mi missus out a' this or I'll knock ya arse over head!"
"Fuck you, Ivers.", I said, as the publican called 'Last Orders'. Anyway, it's your shout mate."
Ivers was really pissed off now, as he ordered our last round.
"You'd better order some stubbies, if ya want a drink on the way home."
"If you're sure ya' can drive, Ivers? Ya know there's a lot of potholes and roos' on the way back to the Lake. I don't want to end up, upside down, in a fuckin' table drain!"
"I can fuckin' drive drunk better than you can drive sober, any fuckin' day Burgoo. Where the fuck did Reggie go? If he's not here, he can fuckin' walk home! I'm not keen on the gutless bastard anyway. He's not a real good worker and he can't hold his grog! What kind of Aussie chucks his guts after a few middys anyway? He's shot his bolt with me, I won't be takin' him out anymore!"
We made our way out to the parking lot. As we rounded the corner, Reggie was laid out on his back on the front seat. The passenger side door was still open. His legs were hung out of the doorway.
"Wake up ya bastard!", yelled Ivers as he neared the Ute. "Git ya scungy, fuckin' carcass off mi drivin' seat."
Ivers maneuvered the pile of puke and kicked Reggies boot!
"Come on, wake up ya useless fuckin' bastard! You're a fuckin' disgrace! Even the burgoo spittin' pommy can hold more grog than you, ya fuckin' pufta! Ya really let the fuckin' side down tonight, fuckin' yobo!
It took me a while to wake up Reggie, as he was totally flaked out. Eventually, he came around.
The first think he said was, "Where am I!"
Ivers walked over to the fence and took a piss while I roused Reggie back into the world of the living.
Once we were all settled in on the bench seat, Ivers turned on the key, put her in first and slowly maneuvered the Ute around the corner, on to the main street. We headed off back to the Lake at at the break-neck speed of 30 miles an hour.
"Hey Burgoo, open one of those stubbies for me.", said Ivers.
"Haven't you had enough yet Cecil?", I said.
"I'll decide when I've had enough, burgoo. Not you, you pommy bastard!"
I opened the beer with mi tobacco tin and passed Ivers his stubbie.
"Ya want one Reggie?", I asked.
"Ya, good on ya Yorky. I think I need a hair of the dog."
"Hair of the dog mate?", said Ivers. "Ya need ya arse kicking, ya gutless bastard. Ya let this Burgoo spitter drink ya under the table?
"Here ya go Reggie. Take no notice of him mate. He's cranky 'cause he missed out on rootin' that old sheila."
"It was all your fault, Burgoo. You were the one who closed the womb."
"Fuck you Ivers. Ya didn't get a root 'cause you're too fuckin' ugly. That's why!"
"I've had more roots than you've had hot dinners, Burgoo. You're still floggin' ya fuckin' maggot every mornin'."
"Ivers, apart from your missus, you wouldn't get a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of money!"
"I'll stop this fuckin' Ute in a minute and deck ya, Burgoo! How would you like that?"
"Let it go Yorky.", said Reggie in a shaky voice.
By this time, I had enough grog in me that my dutch courage was spilling over and out of mi mouth. I felt great!
"Fuck him Reggie. I've just about had enough of the fat, ignorant fucker! He's fuckin' ugly and I'm good lookin'. Any mirror will tell ya that."
"Keep it up Burgoo! I've fuckin' warned ya. I'm not gonna' tell ya again!"
I was now firing on all 8 cylinders. I said to Ivers,
"Go root ya boot ya ugly, fat bastard!"
All of a sudden, Ivers slammed on the brakes and the Ute broad-sided to a halt at the side of the road.
"Git out ya burgoo spittin bastard! I'll show you what a fat bastard I am."
I had gone too far to stop now. I said to Ivers,
"When was the last time you saw ya dick without a mirror on ya boot, Ivers?"
Ivers blood pressure had now made his face almost crimson. This was no mean feat as it was usually weather-worn brown from working in the Outback sun.
"You're a fuckin' dead man burgoo.", said Ivers, as he struggled to get out of the Ute.
"Shit Yorky!", said Reggie."Ya not gonna' fight him are ya?"
"Fucking oath, mate! I've had the fat fucker!"
"He'll fuckin' hurt ya mate. He's a big bloke!"
"He can't hurt me Reggie. I've got too many middys in me to feel it! Anyway, he's as full as a boot himself. Ya never know, I might get lucky!"
"Rather you than me mate.", said Reggie as I pushed open the door.
As Ivers rounded the front of the Ute, he let out a big bellow and made a lunge for me. Luckily for me, he was as full as he was. I side-stepped him and he went stumbling past .
"Ya fuckin' missed me Ivers!", I said, as he turned around for another go at me.
"I won't miss again, ya fuckin' bastard!", said Ivers, as he took a well-aimed blow that caught me on the side of mi head, behind mi left ear.
Stumbling backwards, I lost mi footing on the loose dirt and hit the deck!
"I fuckin' told ya' I'd knock ya arse over head Burgoo, ya weak piece of shit!"
Now I'd gone past caring. As I got to mi feet, I threw a straight left jab at Ivers face and luckily it caught him on the left corner of his mouth. I moved back as fast as I could, which wasn't fast enough because of the amount of grog I had drunk. Ivers rubbed his lip. When he saw blood, on the back of his hand. He lunged forwards and grabbed hold of me. I decided, in mi drinken stupor, to stay in close and try to pummel his big fat guts. Right, left, right, left, right, left! I pummeled away at Ivers' gut but it didn't seem to make much difference.
Just then, I felt a big pain on the side of mi face. Ivers' big hairy fist had made a connection with it and down I went like a sack of shit!
"That'll teach ya to fuck with me burgoo!", he said as he walked back around the front of the Ute.
The next think I knew Reggie was helping mi back up, onto mi feet,
"Ya all right mate?"
"Yeah mate, I'm only just gettin' started!"
"Jesus, Yorky mate, let it go. the fat fuck's at least 3 stone more than you. Ya' can't win mate!"
"I don't care about winning Reggie."
"So why ya baiting him mate?"
" 'Cause I fuckin' can. It's a matter of principle now."
"You're more game than me Yorky, I'll say that for ya."
"Come on you two bastards, git in the Ute before I leave ya' and you can fuckin' walk home!", said Ivers.
Ivers put the Ute in gear and took off so fast, he spun the back wheels. Once he hit 30, he said,
"Give us one of those stubbies, Reggie.", said Ivers.
"Can ya open it Ivers?", said Reggie as he handed Ivers the stubby.
"Don't be such a fuckin' ding-bat mate! I'm flat out driving with both hands, never mind one."
"Burgoo, open that fuckin' stubby for me or you can git out and walk."
I opened the stubby and handed it to Ivers.
"Here ya go, ya fat fuck. I hope ya choke on it!"
"Ha ha ha ha!, said Ivers, as he took the stubby. "I told ya I'd knock ya arse over head, burgoo. You fuckin' pommys are all a gutless pack a' bastards. Ya can't fight for shit.!"
"Yer not real good yourself Ivers."
"I'm better than you, burgoo! I knocked ya down."
"Yeh, maybe ya did Ivers, but ya know what, ya punch like a fuckin' old sheila. Ya never even hurt me!"
"I can always stop the Ute if ya want another go Burgoo."
Ivers was havin' a great old time now, gloatin' and braggin' about how he knocked me over. I bided mi time and as soon as there was a lull in his bullshit and skyving, I said,
"Hey Ivers."
"What d'ya want burgoo?"
"Would ya mind explainin' somethin' to me?"
"No worries burgoo.", he said with a stupid smug look on his face.
I may have been pretty full but my timing was perfect. I waited a few seconds and then said, in a very polite voice,
"Alright Cecil, Please tell me how a good-lookin' woman like ya missus can let an ugly fat bastard like you, git up in the saddle of a night-time? Is she short-sighted?"
Ivers slammed on the brakes again! This time we ended up sideways in the middle of the dirt road.
"Oh Jesus Yorky!", said Reggie, "You must have more guts than brains!"
"Fuck him!", I said as I jumped out the Ute. "I'm not finished with that fucker yet!"
As Ivers walked round the front of the Ute again, I ran at him and threw a punch that landed right on his forehead. It rocked him back a foot or so and hurt mi fist in the process!
"Ya fuckin' burgoo spittin' bastard!", he said. "I couldn't see ya for the fuckin' head lights. Ya fuckin' hit me, ya pommy fuckin' bastard!"
"Fuck you Ivers. That'll teach ya to keep ya squinty fuckin' eyes open."
No sooner we're the words out of mi mouth, he punched me so fuckin' hard, I saw stars! As I hit the deck, he jumped on top of me and started to pummel me. As soon as Reggie saw what was happening, he jumped out of the Ute and tried to drag Ivers off of me, which took quite a bit of doing. Once I regained my feet, I said to Ivers,
"Fuck you Ivers, ya still didn't hurt me!"
As he came at me at me again, Reggie jumped in between us and said,
"I think you pair of fuck-wits have had enough. Can we go home now?"
I must have caught Ivers with at least a couple of good blows, 'cause one of his eyes was quite red. When we were settled in the Ute again, Ivers said, as he pulled away,
"Let me know of ya want another go, burgoo, I can keep this up all night!"
Wiping the blood from mi nose, I said,
"It doesn't matter how many times ya knock me arse over head Ivers, you'll never fuckin' hurt me mate, and it will never change the fact that you're a fuckin' ugly fat bastard. I'm a more handsome bloke than you'll ever be. You'll never be handsome as long as your fat fuckin' arse points to the ground!"
"Ah! Shut the fuck up ya winging, pommy, fucking bastard and pass me another stubby!
I opened a couple more stubbies and handed him one.
"Cheers burgoo!", he said as tipped up the bottle.
"Hey Cecil, I see by your face, I must have caught ya with a couple of beauties!"
"Fuck you burgoo!", he said between guzzles.
At long last, we made it to Gilltraps Hotel. Ivers didn't even bother to park. All he said, as I got out of the Ute, was,
"I'll bring ya gear round tomorrow for ya burgoo. I'm not huntin' through the Ute tonight, it's too fuckin' late! I almost forgot to tell ya burgoo, I've got a new job starting Monday morning if ya still lookin' for work."
"Pick me up at 6, on Gilltraps steps.", I said. "And don't be fuckin' late!!"
