Monday, January 1, 2018

GIVING THE SHOP AWAY © JIMMY XMAS STORY..MAGGOTED CHOOKS

     The Sunday night, before I left, the cafe was really busy. Although I'd given away a lot of free fags and milkshakes to mi mates, still many people came in because I was serving the tables. They would all have a good laugh about my Showground exploits.

     Halfway through that Sunday night, a stranger came in the Cafe for a feed. Lake Cargelligos' Aussie Rules team was playing at home. He probably came with the opposition team.

"What'll ya have?", I said as I handed him the menu.
     As he scanned through it he said,
"I'll  have roast chicken and chips with a couple of fried eggs and a plate of toast on the side."
"No worries mate.", I said as I repeated his order back. "It may take a while 'cause we're pretty busy."
"Bring us a cuppachino while I wait."
"Cuppachino comin' up mate."

     The customer was a pretty well-dressed man in his late 40s' or early 50s'. He didn't seem like the rough football type. I'd placed his order with Jimmy Xmas, who used to cook on busy weekend nights.
"Roast-a chicken, chips and couple a eggs, plate-a toast ready!", said Jimmy.
     I picked up the meal from the serving window.
"Roast chuck, chips, eggs, side plate of toast.", I said to the customer as I carefully placed his meal in front of him. "Enjoy ya meal.", I said with a smile.
"Another Cuppachino.", he said, as he handed me his cup.
"Coming right up.", I said.

     I made a pretty good waiter. On the weekends, I looked after all the tables on mi own.
"Cuppachino ready.", said George who was Jimmy Xmas' distant cousin. He came from a tiny village up in the greek mountains somewhere. Jimmy Xmas said he used to fuck goats before he came to Australia and had only been out of the mountains for a few months. He warned me jokingly not to bend over in front of him.
     George was a small porky greek with greasy straight hair, black eyes, a permanent 5 O'clock shadow and thick puffy lips. I don't think he ever had a shower in the time that I worked there.
   
     When I got back to the table, the customer had just pulled a wing off the side of the roast Chook.
"One hot Cuppachino", I said as I put it on the table."
"Thanks.", he said and then proceeded to snap the end of the chickens' wing off.
     The chicken bone snapped with the usual snapping sound that chicken-bones make but to my surprise, (and to his horror), 5 small, white, dead maggots shot out of the splintered bone and onto the table. One maggot landed in the fresh cuppachino. I watched it slowly sink below the surface of the frothy milk. The customer looked up at me and said,
"What the hell are those things?"
"They look like blow-fly maggots to me."
"What are they doing in my chicken?"
"Not much.", I said. "They're dead!"
"I can see that for myself! I mean, what's the idea serving up fly-blown chicken?"
"I don't know? Maybe it's a new Greek dish. I'll take it back to the chicken and show Jimmy Xmas."

     When I showed Jimmy Xmas, he said,
"What's-a-wrong with it? Couple-a maggots never hurt anyone. Fussy Aussie bastard! Tell him I'm-a-sorry. Take him this-a one."
     I took the fresh, roast chicken to the customer who was patiently waiting. He was sat there with a knife in his cuppachino, trying to fish out the maggot that had slowly submerged below the surface.
"Ya fishin' for bait?", I asked.
"I beg ya' pardon."
"Fresh roast chicken, mate."
"Oh.", he said as he leaned against the hard-back bench.
"Jimmy Xmas says he's sorry about that mate."
"Is this one safe to eat?"
"I think so. Why don't ya snap the ends of the wings while I'm here and if it's not, I'll git ya another one."
     Very carefully the customer snapped the ends off of each wing tip. Nothing flew out so I said,
"Bingo! I'll git ya another hot cuppachino mate."
     He gave me a somewhat worried look and then proceeded to eat his dinner.