Monday, January 1, 2018

CIRCUS & THE MAGGOT BOXES © JIMMY XMAS CAFE STORY

     I was sat at at the staff table which was situated at the back of the cafe, next to the serving hatch. Mindlessly sipping away on a hot cuppachino and puffin' away at a Pall Mall fag, I happened to look up towards the glass front door.  Part of mi job, even when I was on a break, was to keep an eye on the door for customers, so as not to keep them waiting.

The Dagos' glass shop door was a standard size and nothing special. Under normal circumstances, when a customer came in, there was plenty of light on each side of his body, as he entered the cafe. Tonight, however, was not of normal circumstances. The Circus had come to town! When he stood in the doorway, he blocked out all of the available light. Circus was a massive bloke who weighed, to my reckoning, 25 stone at least, which was roughly 350 pounds! One could not say he 'walked into the cafe', it was more like a 'side to side waddle'. Next to enter was his mother, who made her grand entrance sideways, owing to the fact that she was at least a hundred pounds heavier than Circus. Last to enter was Circuses 15 year old sister who was, bare minimum, 230 pounds.

     It was a sight to behold as I watched all three waddle down the room towards the back of the cafe, where I was sitting. As he got closer to me he said,
"Ya mind if I make room by shifting the tables?"
"No worries Circus. Help ya self mate."
     He asked me out of politeness, which was good, because if I did mind, what was I going to say, 'fuck you'? At the time, I weighed 10 stone (140 pounds) wet through and fully clothed. Circus moved three tables wide apart, away from the rest of the tables. He left a chair each at two of the tables and at the third table he dragged over a long bench seat which was obviously for his mother. After his sister was seated, he fussed around his mother making sure she was as comfortable as possible.

     As soon as I saw that he had seated himself with as little fuss as possible, I walked over to his table with a menu and a waiters' smile.
"Circus, how the fuck are ya mate? Ya need a menu?"
"No thanks Yorky, I'm just gonna' jave a couple of meat pies. Mi mother and sister will have a couple apiece as well. How long have ya been back from the Showground mate?"
"Couple a' days Circus. I got a temporary job here 'cause I'm broke."
"Well I'm happy to see ya back safe and sound mate. I was a bit worried about ya on those Showgrounds. They're not the safest of places."
"Thank you Circus, I was a bit worried about miself at times."

     Circus, as I said, was a huge bloke with a massive gut. He didn't really have a neck, so to speak. He looked like his head had been stuck on his body as an after-thought. He wore the standard Chesty Bond Singlet XXXX, large stubby shorts, boots and socks. His chest and upper arms stretched the singlet to breaking point and the calves of his legs were almost as big as my body. His eyes wouldn't open the whole way due to the size of his cheeks and his ears were flat against the sides of his head. All in all, he was not a very  handsome bloke.

     In those early days, I had a problem with fat, ugly people especially the ones who were kind-hearted and liked me. 'How is it possible for them to be so fat and fuckin' ugly, yet at the same time be so sweet?' It wasn't until I had met enough thin, handsome, mean-spirited mongrel-bred bastards that the books balanced themselves and I moved beyond the illusion of the body.

"6 hot meat pies Jimmy!", I said as I walked into the kitchen.
"Not-a the problem mate. Is for one man?"
"Nah mate, it's for Circus and his family."
"That-a greedy, the fat bastard. He must-a like-a my pies 'cause he brings the family to eat at my cafe."
"He's a big bloke Jimmy Xmas. It takes a lot to fill him up."
"He's-a greedy, the fucking pig. One-a day he order 6-a the pies and he eat-a the fucking lot in six-a mouthfulls."
"Maybe he was extra hungry mate. He might have been workin' hard. He's a good worker ya know."
"He not-a work in the Iron-a Lung! Now me, Jimmy the Xmas, I am-a the good worker. I start-a the 5:30 morning, I finish-a the 12 O'clock-a. 18 the hours a day. That's-a work mate!"

"Here ya go Circus.", I said as I put the meat pies in front of him and his family. Before I'd finished serving his mum and sister, Circus was starting his second pie.
"How ya doin' with pies Circus. Are they alright?"
"Too bloody right Yorky mate. These are the best meat pies this side a' the Black Stump!"
"Would ya like a couple more mate?"
"Yeah, keep 'em comin' wil ya?"
"No worries Circus, 2 meat pies comin' up!"
"Two more meat pies Jimmy."
"Don't-a tell me. The same-a fat fuck?"
"Yeah, Circus mate. He said he's hungry."
"I put-a 4 more in the oven, just in case."
"Two more meat pies Circus. Anything else mate?:
"Yeah, give us a large Spider to wash 'em down with."
     A large 'Spider' was a metal milkshake container consisting of Coca Cola and 2 scoops of ice cream.
"There ya go mate. That do ya for now?"
"Better bring me 2 more pies Yorky. Save ya gettin' up and down mate."
"2 more pies Jimmy."
"That-a make-a the six! How many more the fat bastard eat?"
     Jimmy Xmas took 2 more ies out of the oven and said to me,
"I serve-a the fat bastard myself this-a time. I like-a to see where my good-a meat pies go."
     Plonking 2 more meat pies in front of Circus, Jimmy said,
"You like-a my pies eh, you fat-a the bastard?"
"Yeah Jimmy.", said Circus, in a mock greek accent. "These-a are the best-a Dago meat pies this side-a the Athens!"
"Very the fucking funny Circus!"
"How many the more you eat-a tonight?"
"How many ya got left mate?"
"I got 2 more hot-a ones in the oven."
"So what ya standing here for Jimmy? Bring 'em out."
"I don't-a believe it! You eat-a 8 meat pies tonight!"
"Why? Is that all ya got left mate?"
"Not-a the bloody likely! I make-a plenty the meat pies before I open. I tell-a ya what I do with you Mr. Circus. You pay me for the six-a meat pies you already eat and every meat-a pies you eat after that I give-a ya for free."
"Are you joking nate?"
"Jimmy the Xmas not-a joke. Jimmy the Xmas, man of the word!"
"You're on Jimmy! Keep 'em coming."
     Back in the kitchen, Jimmy Xmas loaded up the oven with a tray of meat pies.
"How many ya think-a the fat Aufstralian bastard he eat?"
"I don't know Jimmy. He's eaten 6 already and he washed 'em down with a Spider.", I said.
"He not-a share the pies with his fat-a mother and sister?"
"No mate, he ate 'em all himself. The first one went down in 2 mouth-fulls!"
"Jesus the Christ-a, I never see such a greedy fucking the pig in all my life. This will make-a the good story to tell my family back in the Greece."
     The next 2 hot pies, which made 8,  Jimmy Xmas served up to Circus himself, again. He put the pies down in front of Circus, then pulled up a chair, crossed his arms and stared at Circus.
"Can I help ya mate?", said Circus.
"No, I not-a need the help. I sit-a here to make-a sure you eat-a the lot!"
"Don't you worry about me Jimmy. I'll tell ya when I'm full."
     As Circus was devouring the 7th meat pie an old, drunk Abbo, dressed in dirty clothes stumbled through the door. He  made his way to one of the booths and sat down on the bench seat, leaning his back into the corner. A moment later, he picked up a full hot sauce bottle, screwed off the top and drank it down in one go. Jimmy Xmas, who had been staring at Circus, just happened to look up as the last of the hot sauce left the bottle.
"Hey Hey, you fucking the black bastard! What-a you think-a you do?"
     He ran into the kitchen and grabbed the floor mop and then took off to the front of the cafe. The old Abbo, drunk as he was, was doing his best to get out of the booth while Jimmy Xmas was yelling,
"You fucking the black bastard, you get out of my Cafe and don't-a fucking come back! What-a you think-a this is? This-a the Jimmy the Xmas cafe!" This-a not-a the fucking Twitchey Hotel!"
     As the abbo got close to the door, Jimmy Xmas opened it and pushed him out onto the pavement with the mop.
"You fuck-a the off and don't-a comne back. You think-a I buy the hot-a sauce for you to drink? Jimmy the Xmas not-a the charity! Jimmy the Xmas is-a the business man!"
     When Jimmy Xmas was seated at Circuses table again, Circus, who had a great sense of humor, said to him,
"2 more pies mate and could you bring me some hot sauce? This bottle's nearly empty."
"Very the fucking funny Circus! Ya think-a that's a good-a the joke?"
     2 more meat pies were put in front of Circus. Jimmy Xmas' face showed a bit of surprise now as the 10th pie disappeared!
"How many the more you eat-a you fat-a bastard?"
"A couple more for sure.", said Circus, with a mischievous grin.
     Circus was now slowing down a bit as he pushed the 14th pie in his face. Once it was gone, he leaned back in his chair and said,
"This is the best little snack I've had for ages mate. Is that it or is there any more?"
     A look of horror now showed on Jimmys' face as he jumped out of his chair and said,
"More! You fucking the joking! That's-a the last-a meat pies you get for free! You fat-a  the bastard, I'm call-a off the bet. I don't like-a this game anymore! You send-a me fucking broke! You make-a sure you pay for the six-a meat pies, the 4 for your-a mother and sister and a one-a the large Spider!"
     As Jimmy Xmas turned around to go back to the kitchen, I heard him say,
"14 the meat pies! I don't-a believe my eyes! I never see the greedy bastard like that-a in-a my life!"

"Can I get ya anything else Circus?"
"No Yorky mate, I think I'm pretty full now."
"Jesus, that was so funny Circus. Did you Jimmys' face when you asked him for more?"
"I know mate. It was a sight to see. I love fucking with him."
"Don't ya mind him calling ya a fat fucking bastard?"
"Nah mate, what can I say, I am a fat bastard!"
     Circus turned to his mother and sister who had sat there the whole time with straight faces and said,
"Ya ready to go home? I'm done eating."